If It's Not Broken, Don't Fix It

After finishing reading Codependent No More yesterday, I realized something: I'm NOT codependent anymore. I related to a lot of things from the book, but it's stuff I used to do and think. I don't think that way anymore. Whoa, did I really just say that?

I have changed! I have healed and gotten better at this. I want to share my success because it's a huge milestone for me to have realized that I have made it... without even knowing it.

So here's the old me:

I used to...

... wish others liked me
... wish I had someone else's life
... think I would be happier if... [insert thousands of things outside my control]
... hold in my feelings to avoid confrontation, but boil over inside
... not trust my own feelings
... try endlessly to prove that I'm worth loving
... try to verbally convince others that I'm worth loving
... 'take care' of everybody except myself
... fix things that I had no business fixing
... allow people to push me around
... allow others to determine my self-image
... be an easy target to demean
... never get compliments
... be fiercely attracted to compulsive, intense, controlling people

And here's the new and improved me:

Now I...

... know others like me
... know I have a GREAT life headed in GREAT directions
... am happier (without everyone else's problems to deal with)
... only hold my tongue when sharing my thoughts isn't worth the effort
... trust myself
... know that I'm lovable and worth anyone's effort
... never have to ask if others love me
... take care of myself and my children (funny how there's not much time left to take care of others anymore)
... don't fix others' 'stuff' unless they ask
... can't think of anyone who even tries to push me around
... couldn't care less about what others thinks of me... I'm Great and I'm surrounded by plenty of wonderful people who agree!
... am never targeted by people who just need to punish someone
... get compliments every day!
... am attracted to stability

I recently went to counseling specifically to get over my 'mommy issues.' Thanksgiving came after two sessions, and the plan was to help my mom make Thanksgiving dinner for my siblings, my grandparents, and my kids and myself.

My mom had just had her thyroid taken out (literally a week prior) and everyone seemed to be picking on her. My step-dad and my grandma were both insisting that my mom cook two turkeys - one the way she wanted, and one the way they wanted. My grandma is always in the way, micromanaging everyone's lives and causing problems, but I stood up to her this Thanksgiving, for the first time ever. I told her to stay out of my mom's way and try to be respectful in my mother's home for once. My mom had just had her thyroid surgery, she was tired and overloaded with responsibilities for Thanksgiving. It. Felt. So. Good to stand up to my grandma. I protected my mother, and she has been 100% nicer to me since then. As for my grandma? She doesn't nag me anymore. Jenn - 2, Life - 0!

I decided after my divorce that hiding my feelings didn't solve a damn thing. I fell back into the old pattern for a short time, but the last 18 months has been smooth sailing. And you know what's funny? More people like me and want to be around me. And I like myself.

I went on a first date yesterday with a super nice guy, and felt... relieved... to still be 'available' after the first date. I used to attract men who thought we were in an instant relationship after only one date, or at the very least demanded I not see anyone else... without actually being tied down in a 'relationship' with me, of course.

I think I'm a little scared to find out how I react to this... to dating someone new who isn't a control freak. I'm scared that I will get bored by a 'nice guy' who isn't in a rush to take me off the market. But you know what? I'm not in a rush to be taken off the market. And I think rather than adamantly say that I want to be single, I'll just run away early if a guy displays that behavior again. I don't want it anymore, and have no problems saying NO. I'm single and I want to learn to date. Really date.

So that was the first half of my journey. First, learning how to get out of bad relationships, and now learning to find the good ones. :)

The Narcissist and the Codependent: A Tragedy

I finally put a name to this common cycle, so I have to write about it!

Once again, here's the link to the article that opened my eyes: Narcissism Understood.

As easy as it is to write a shopping list of all the things he has done wrong, it's more productive and fulfilling to pinpoint the cause of all the strange, mystifying behaviors. My personal narcissist is not near as bad as some mentioned in this article, but he is bad enough for me to run away screaming. 

(This post is the gist of the information from the article linked above. It's a long article, so I'm just whittling it down to key points).

Before I write down his traits though, let's define narcissism. In a nutshell, it's what happens when a person doesn't like himself so much that he banishes his 'true self' to permanent hiding inside a thick shell. He will create and worship a false identity for himself that, to him, is more tolerable. A narcissist appears to adore himself and gives you that 'too good to be true' feeling so commonly felt before a roller coaster of emotions.

The sad part is, false identities do not have feelings. They are fake and, in general, man-made things do not possess emotions. The whole purpose of this false identity is to be able to function without emotion. To be a functioning member of society without pain. Generally narcissists have experienced so much emotional confusion or pain as a child that they literally shut down. 

I've seen a ton of articles claiming that narcissists cannot change, but I don't believe that's the case. I do believe, however, that they will NOT change unless they want to, and that for most of us, it's safest to avoid intimate relationships. We sometimes become narcissists ourselves as a defense against their pain. Unfortunately, treating them as they treat us does not 'teach' them anything, it only adds to their self-loathing. As much as we want to squash/humiliate/cut this person as deep as they have cut us, it will not help. Criticism and abandonment only strengthen the shell. So who the hell should be there to support them on their journey through healing? That's a question we each have to answer for ourselves.

This is How I Recognized My Narcissist:

• Most narcissists aren’t in therapy, and even if they are, may not be diagnosed as NPD. Psychologists freely admit this, as well as the frustration and impossibility of working effectively with NPD’s.

• By definition, narcissists severely lack humility and will avoid admitting there’s something wrong with them at all costs.

• A narcissist feels terrorized at the thought of vulnerability (being emotionally honest), and develops a pathological false self to guard the unresolved emotional wounds.

• Narcissism is a condition of separation, distrust and ‘me versus you’. Such states make a relationship (which requires by definition: teamwork, trust and co-operation) impossible to sustain.

• Have you loved a person who is never wrong, never sorry and believes it is always someone else’s fault? Have you ever experienced an individual who’s non-accountable for their behavior and doesn't learn despite the mayhem and pain they produce? Have you witnessed an individual who has no tolerance for the slightest criticism, even when given constructive advice?

• Mundane tasks that don’t offer narcissistic supply are avoided and even resented. - house cleaning and relationship maintenance for Brian.

• The classic bully is an archetype of the narcissist. The bully is a person who takes their own needs primarily by charm or intimidation. To the outer world this person may appear incredibly assertive, confident, charismatic, powerful and self-assured. Nothing could be further from the truth.

• Narcissism is a grave condition of insecurity and desperately feeling unloved and unacceptable. An individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder inherently believes they are ‘damaged goods’ and fears other individuals will discover the truth: that they feel powerless. Thus the narcissist invests a great deal of energy into ‘gaining the upper hand’, to hide feeling vulnerable, insecure and broken. When they are getting what they want, the charm is flowing and plentiful. When the charm doesn't work the intimidation begins. Narcissism is categorised as an unhealthy level of self-absorption and a lack of empathy regarding how their insecure, aggressive and damaging behavior affects the world around them.
• In the myth of Narcissus, the hero fell in love with his own reflection. On the surface it may seem he was madly in love with himself. But look deeper. He was in love with his reflection. This reflection was not his true self. The very fact he fell in love with the illusionary part of himself meant he was not capable of loving his true self. To escape these disowned ‘unacceptable’ parts a narcissist scripts and creates an image of himself that he can tolerate.

• This image is a grandiose version, a version of him that is admired, adored and respected by and in control of others. He needs to be unique and he hates to be one of the crowd or ‘normal’.

No matter what the outer world initially sees, the narcissist’s depth of empathy and support is sadly non-existent, If there is no ‘pay off’ of constant admiration, his support towards you (which was initially over-the-top plentiful) becomes unavailable. In fact the narcissist has to spend so much energy mining attention for himself, He doesn't have the resources to give genuinely (without agenda) to others. He can't offer resources that do not exist.

This information put an instant end to my tears and pain. It's not about me, it's about him and his pain. He doesn't understand what he's doing. When I stopped taking it personally, I stopped crying and realized I did the right thing by getting out before I, too, was broken.

This is How I Recognized Myself:

• If you’re in a relationship with a true narcissist, by the time the personality disorder is obvious, you’re hooked, empty and exhausted (it happens bit by bit without you realising) and powerless to create boundaries and protect yourself.

• Sadly, when many women realise that the narcissist is insecure and isn’t reassured, she’ll try harder to love him. Additionally he’ll blame his behaviour on something that you are or aren’t doing, and as women we may try to ‘do it better’ or ‘get it right’. Your increased efforts to love him and make him happy only lines you up for more abuse.

• They will tolerate being damaged and feel sorry for the other person, yet in reality co-dependents are terrified about laying boundaries and taking control of their own lives. Boundary function is imperative protection against a narcissistic individual. Co-dependents love so much it hurts; whereas their self-development lies in learning to love themselves enough to stop the pain. When a co-dependent teams up with a narcissist (and many do) they will have their scant boundaries disintegrated and end up tolerating behaviour and abuse that they never thought they would. They will try again and again to prove their love, devotion and loyalty to the narcissist, all the way to their self-demise.

Even back in my marriage, I could not place the constant feeling that 'if he does this, I will feel better.' Yet no matter what he did, I was not happy. (There as also the fact that he wouldn't work, wouldn't help with kids/house/whatever and still wanted me at his beck and call). I needed to stop being a control freak and set boundaries. My ex husband has serious confidence issues, and I became his abuser every time I got 'good' at something or was progressing in life. I was happier with my own confidence, but upset by his need to control every time something was going right for me. He sees it exactly opposite... every time he started to feel good about himself and life, I went along and did something to ruin it for him (got a job, started school, was good at something). His source was dry and he went psycho control freak. I really do believe that I trained my ex-husband to act the way he did. I allowed him to be extremely lazy, as it allowed me to be in control... however out of control I was.

I've realized that rather than fix everyone around me, I need to fix myself and stop surrounding myself with other codependents or narcissists. I have to end this pattern! Once and for ALL! 

I'm ready for love. After a full of year of counseling, I have admitted to myself that I want to be accepted, I want to be loved and wanted, and I need attention. The problem with narcissists is they try to convince you that your basic needs are too much to ask, and you go crazy trying to figure out how to do it 'right' and make your partner happy enough to love you back. How about making yourself happy?? In reality, the narcissist has the same needs, but will not allow them to be fulfilled, because he is unable to allow them to exist in the first place. 

We have to accept that we have realistic needs. I know I am strong enough to never again allow an inferiority complex or a narcissist to convince me that I'm asking too much. But I have to learn to love myself just a little more, so I can be confident and single without being detached or depressed, and to let myself fall when I find what I need. I need to learn to trust and respect men again. I had a good start about a year ago, but I know I'm not where I need to be to be successful in a relationship. But I'm learning. :)

An Emotional Journey

The last six months has been quite the emotional journey for me. Here' s a brief update, followed by my  current innermost thoughts.

Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Wrong-for-Me-in-Particular. Things were going so well, but I have a tendency to get burnt out after 3 months' weekends consistently spent with someone besides my children. I decided I needed a break one weekend and got a firestorm for it. That was the first bug under my skin.

About a month prior, we had planned a trip to Vegas together (huge commitment for a couple only dating 3 months), and of course everyone we knew had joked about our shotgun Vegas wedding, which neither of us were planning on. However, a week before we were to fly out, I wondered out loud to myself what would happen if we did get married in Vegas. I felt an overwhelming rush of buyer's remorse, and knew that I could not, should not go to Vegas with this man. 

He was good on so many levels, but something just didn't click. He admittedly did not want a family (which is not an option with me, since I already have kids), he was openly immature (bragged about terrorizing others when he's in a bad mood), and had the classic inferiority complex. I met lots of his family and friends and noticed he only surrounded himself by people with significantly lower class standing, me included.

I was offered a temporary internship that paid gobs of money, because it was time-sensitive and required someone already trained. He was furious at the idea of me taking it. He offered financial help to keep me from accepting the job, and when that didn't work, he resorted to tearing down my abilities. After several days of that, I told him I didn't think we should go to Vegas together, and we broke up the next day. He was hurt, apparently, that he had not made it the minimum six months with me, and said that he was deleting me from his life. Geez. I thought we could at least have been friends, he is a really fun guy.

Then there was the six-month long custody battle. I have never felt so depressed and suicidal in my life. The anxiety and lack of closure quite literally almost killed me. We finally settled on February 7th and it has been (mostly) smooth sailing ever since. 

Shortly after Mr. Not-Perfect and I broke up, I found myself missing an ex (we'll call him Brian) like crazy. He is the only guy I have ever 'clicked' with. So we got back together, and after only 2 months had fallen back into the nasty cycle that caused our previous breakup. I had made a choice in the beginning to not run away when things get hard, to try to work through things and not give up on him this time. But I pulled the plug last week, only four months into the relationship this time. 

I had an epiphany the night we broke up. I realized Brian felt like an addiction that I could not give up, and something felt unhealthy from the start. There is SO much passion between us, and so many things that are definitely right. To be honest, I have been comparing everyone to him since the day I met him. But something was severely broken.

I decided to Google 'addictive relationship recovery,' as I want nothing more than to be truly over him and never go back. The first search hit was this link about narcissism. I was surprised, to say the least, that this could have anything to do with relationship addiction. But I read the article and found that it was the PERFECT description for our relationship. Brian was the narcissist and I the codependent. 

Another post to come specifically about that.

I decided to do some soul searching, and I am now on the path to recovery from my codependency. I know I have healed from my painful, disappointing marriage, but it never occurred to me before that maybe my feelings were caused by me, not by him. I have done an excellent job of quantifying all my exes' problems (which are very real), but not my own. Not the reasons I feel so emotionally drained from life, the reasons I feel so out of control of my life, the reasons life feels so... hard. 

I know I have healed enough, and learned to love myself enough to escape a bad cycle, but not enough to stop attracting the same men. And not enough to take control over my life.

I bought a book for Brian, Narcissism: Denial of the True Self by Alexander Lowen. Brian knows he has some serious emotional baggage that has caused misery in relationships for 20 years now. I'm not under the impression that I can fix him, but he is a big enough person to read a self-help book, and I know he will. I still adore him and want the best for him and for us (whether in a relationship or as friends), but it's too painful for me to be that close right now. I need to stay at a safe distance.

But wait, I'm not only out to help others (like a true codependent would). I've been doing research for myself as well. I want so badly to stop taking responsibility for other peoples' disasters, stop berating myself for my life, and start living my life. My mom lent me the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and it has been a HUGE eye opener. I will write more about this journey soon. :)

Becoming A Better Version Of Myself

This is my motto for the next few months - Become a better version of Me. I know I took a long break from writing this summer. I had a job, I was dating, I had my kids and the usual ex drama-trauma-rama to deal with. But I'm back. I took a deep breath and now I'm ready to get back in the saddle again.

Goal #1 - Become A Competent Engineer

School is going GREAT. For the first time in my life, I am attempting six classes with a total of fifteen credits and staying on top of it. (I realize that this isn't a huge feat for many people, but for me this is like climbing Mt. Everest). I found some study buddies who encourage me and make me accountable for my work. I also decided that more than spitting fire back and forth with my least favorite professor, I want to become a competent engineer. I got a tutor, I am making it a point to study and read and study some more, and I am determined to show up on time to every class. Four successful weeks down, eleven or so to go. 

Goal #2 - Become A Girlfriend Worth Keeping

I also found a guy who, so far, is everything I've dreamed of and more. Smart and educated, handsome, fun, creative, spontaneous, caring... what more could I ask for?? [insert starstruck face here]. It's only been a few months, and I will openly admit that I am almost too boggled to just let it be. I know I posted before about not knowing what to do with a man who treats you kindly, and that is exactly what I am suffering from. This man has expended so much time and effort on me the last few months. I'm trying so hard not to take this for granted, and to find something to offer, but for some reason I feel inadequate. Maybe inadequate isn't the word... it's more like I'm lacking focus. He touches me and I'm immobilized. He says kind things to me and I don't know how to respond. I have never said 'thank you' so many times in my life, which I believe is a good sign. I have a lot to be thankful for with this one. We have so much to talk about, and I feel at ease around him. I wake up missing him in the middle of the night, my chest physically aching. I'm tempted to add this guy to my spreadsheet of Not-So-Charming Princes just to prove to myself - on paper - that I did find it all. If anyone in this relationship is the better half, it's him.

So how does this pertain to becoming a better version of myself? First off, I am practicing not cussing like a sailor, and I'm practicing saving my filthy jokes for girls' nights. I'm trying to regain my focus so that I might offer a light touch and a kind word in return. I'm learning what real men do, and how it feels to be treated well, and I'm learning to be truly grateful for a man. Damn, now that is a step forward for me, and I'm grinning ear to ear just typing it.

Goal #3 - Become A GREAT Mom

I bit the bullet and decided to rid my life of some stressful clutter. I got rid of the 'nice' car and paid cash for an older car that gets awesome gas mileage. I also filed papers to modify my custody arrangement. Got an awesome attorney behind me and ready to fight this battle til it's won. My kids deserve stability. They deserve consistency and a mother who isn't always running around like a chicken with her head cut off, scraping for money and stressing about the little amount of time we get to spend together. It's all about the stability and routine for us. 

Goal #4 - Plan Ahead

It seems that every semester we run out of student loan money about 5 weeks before we're due for another installment. Last winter was especially stressful at Christmastime, and if it weren't for a miracle in my family, my son would not have had anything in his stocking. So last week I decided to buy all my kids' Christmas gifts and withdraw enough quarters to do our laundry through the rest of the year. That way, if we run out of money on December 1st, at the very least my kids will have Christmas presents and we'll all have clean underwear :D Go, Me!!

The Problem With Being Beautiful and Strong Is. . .

The problem for me is I've heard how beautiful, talented and smart I am, my entire life. You may think; "Lucky you, I've been ugly, talentless and dumb my whole life!" Than I would point out to you how you were wrong. I would show you ways that you excel, and areas of your life that possibly need improvement, but that does not under-value you as a woman. I have found that when you ask for advice someone is always ready with answers, that doesn't mean those answers will be the correct solutions for your life.
             Would you rather rent a home or buy? Would you rather get a new puppy or an old dog? Would you rather listen to others, or listen to yourself? Whatever answer you are attempting to find in your life I believe the voice of reason has little to do with what others have to say. I have let the voice of my family, God, and my friends rule my life. I have listened to friends that told me to stay in a relationship that wasn't working, and I have listened to my family when I wanted to get out of my marriage long past the expiration date. There is only so much of the wrong advice a girl can take on her journey to womanhood. There are no easy answers. 
              The problems that come with making decisions for yourself are hard to foresee. You may work a job where you believe the people are honest and hard-working, and you wanted to excel badly to add to your bottom line, not for yourself, but for your child. You wanted more than anything to be able to take him to the places he wants to go and help his dreams come true too. You keep getting stuck, hung up on an ex-husband who is hell bent on controlling your life, and has been successful at doing just that. So you start to do what any rebellious teenager with strict parents would do, and you rebel. You push back! After ten years of control, violence and fear, you push back, you let him know that he needs to go FUCK HIMSELF because he never was good in bed anyway, and just because he likes to have affairs, and lie and cheat and steal it doesn't make it okay does it? Just because he has a smart fancy-pants lawyer that he thinks will solve all his problems, you know things about him that will BURY THIS MAN. You fantasize about all the ways you could bring him to justice, and you know that even though you'd like too MURDER IS NOT AN OPTION, even though he's plotted your murder several times himself. You learn to live fearlessly and unafraid of consequences, but that doesn't mean you'll abuse the privilege.
             When you are beautiful and have a natural full bust, nice ass, and long blonde hair, someone will always tell you, that you're beautiful. The men you refuse to sleep with will always call you a whore, a tease, a bitch, a cunt. You decide whom you believe. Just because you sleep with attractive men you may or may not love, it doesn't make you a whore. Whether or not you've ever slept with someone your entire life doesn't exactly make you a virgin either. The parameters are vague, at best. You decide who you let in your life and what to do with the consequences that follow. You decide how to let that beauty shine, or dull it down. You decide to have cleavage or wear a turtle neck. You decide whether to grow your hair long and blonde for your husband or chop it short and dye it black for yourself. YOU DECIDE. You stop listening to everyone who assumes they know you because they've watched you grow up, but they weren't there inside your mind or your body were they? They weren't the ones living with the guilt, the shame, the fear, the horror of the "secrets" you were told to keep. They weren't the ones living with the burden of raising a child on their own, hurting from exhaustion, guilty from sins that were not their fault, and trying desperately to rise to the top.
            No one will ever understand you, so don't waste your breathe, why even try? No one will understand how you can be beautiful, fearless, and forgiving all at the same time. No one will ever accept all of you in your fullness and glory, no one will truly "get it." Lots of confusion will follow, lots of drama, lots of fear, because sometimes you make the wrong choices too, cause let's face it, you are human after all. You may unintentionally hurt those that you love the most because they are unintentionally hurting you, and you may decide to be afraid of the things you have no control over. You may decide to marry a man you truly love and those who love you the most, sabotage it for you. That still doesn't mean you'll ever shut up, no it doesn't. It means you sing Adele's Rolling in the Deep with fever when the song says: 'And I'll lay all your shit bare.' You learn to sing softly and quietly with Sara Barielles when she sings: 'I've got a glass-caged heart you can see right through, I'm just a basket case, without you. He's not a magic man, or the perfect fit, he had a steady hand, and I got used to it, I'm not an open book you can riffle through, I'm just a basket case, it's what we do. . .' You may also sing at the TOP OF YOUR LUNGS along to Halestorm's 'Here's to us;  Here's to love, here's to us,  all the times that we fucked up, here's to you, raise the glass, cause the last few days have kicked my ass, here's to you, raise your glass, tell em' go fuck themselves HERE'S TO US!'
              No matter how many cuss words you drop, or how many tattoos you get, or how many times you change your life and your hair, you still love God. In your mind, he loves you too, it brings you comfort to know that no matter where you've been, you're still going on that journey, and you'll get back to him one day, but for now, you've got to let your hair blow in the breeze and get through a lot of shit, and drown out the words of others and only look ahead, cause looking behind will scare you, and looking too far in the distance the horizon starts to get hazy. . . so you just keep moving, and you learn to live life your own way and take it at your own pace, cus it's not about anyone else living it for you, it's about your own story, and being accountable for the conclusion in the end. Best Wishes and love to all that have supported me along the way, all my single mom friends, my family, even though we've had our hard times, The Millionaire MatchMaker, and my CD collection, Steve Jobs, and Family Services Alliance, and my son who is my light in the darkness, my strength when I am weak, my SUPERHERO, I love you more than you could ever know, more than you could ever understand. It's not over yet, we're nowhere near the end.
 

Hope Moves You Along

I have been thinking a lot about lesson’s learned.  Why things are the way they are, and how things are constantly evolving.  I have learned that the only thing constant is change. The only thing permanent in this life is change. How you continue to handle the change and evolve and continue to move forward is up to you. These are the lessons I've learned:

                Eventually you learn that your future may not always look like everyone thinks it should. You learn that opportunities present themselves, everyday. You learn that even though you have things to be afraid of in your life, you don’t have to let those fears confine you or restrict how you live your life. You learn that no amount of guns, ammunition, dead bolts, and steel bars can keep you safe, and you learn how to hide in plain sight. You learn that you don’t need someone to tell you what to think, because it’s how you think on your own that matters.  You learn that no amount of roses makes up for true gratitude and no amount of sorry’s really means true forgiveness if the apologizing party still continues to break your heart. 

             You learn that anger is a secondary emotion to whatever you are really feeling and that when someone makes you feel agitated, frustrated and isolated, there is always a reason. You learn where your past ends, and your future begins. You learn to take the necessary steps to rebuild your life. You learn to get up from the floor where you’ve been crying in a puddle of your own tears and make a new life. You learn that your future may not look like you thought it did and race does not confine you. 

          You learn that what other’s think of your life and how you choose to live it does not matter. You learn to make a new path on your own terms, your own merits, playing by your own rules. You learn to take the parts of life that are good from the situations that are bad, and move forward. You learn to talk to the people that care, the people that matter, the people that listen. You learn to advance. You learn progress, you learn to listen, you learn to recognize. You learn to relate to the parts of other’s stories you can relate to and rewrite your own. 

         You learn to pick up a hammer, a nail, and some new paint and you begin to rewrite the chapters of your life. You begin to recognize what takes work, and what will be easier. You learn to recognize that life is all about proverbial hammers and nails, and fictitious buckets of paint. You learn to manage. You learn to compartmentalize. You learn to cry in the shower on bad days so your children don’t hear you, and you learn to celebrate with them and get ice cream on the good days because they don’t come around all too often.   

         You learn that sometimes even though everything looks fine on the surface, it’s not fine, and men will continue to hurt your heart. You learn that even though you would like to go through life with a knee-jerk reaction to the groin of every man that’s ever hurt you, you learn that walking away takes strength, and staying and fighting is sometimes the harder option. You learn that diamonds are not a guarantee and even though someone offers you one, and tries to help you rebuild your life, it’s not the same vision.  You and your partner are standing in front of a blank canvas and you need to be on the same page to paint the best possible portrait of your life together. 

          You learn that beauty comes from pain just like the artist Van Gogh created beauty in his “manic phase,” and that even though we are not cutting the ears off of our problems and mailing them to our lost loves, you begin to understand why he may have done that. Did she not listen to you? Did she not hear what you had to say? Were you not being heard, were you painting to escape your fear? How do you take the shit that’s been dealt to you in life and begin to use it to fertilize your garden and share the blooming flowers with others. You learn that even when someone tells you in an accusatory tone to “take it easy,” or “give it up,” you never will. You learn you have a warriors spirit and the fire inside of you will not be extinguished. You learn how to use what you have to get where you’re going. You learn to overdraw your checking account when you need to, and make a plan for repaying it. You learn that every purchase matters, and even though you may not have the money to live within your needs, you’ll still find a way. 

             You learn to make it look so easy from the outside. You learn to use what you have for what you need, to get ahead, to move forward, to plan accordingly. You learn that there are few men capable of holding the hand of a woman so strong that she does not need a man, but she want’s one.  You learn that not every man has your best interests at heart, even though he says he loves you, and is promising the world.  You learn that even though you want to move forward and see a way through the maze, you have to have the strength to ask for the help you need, but that doesn’t mean that you have to take the help that is given. 

It doesn’t mean that the help will not come, it means that it may not be the best solution for your life at the time. 

             You learn that even Holocaust survivors share a part of your story, because they could be beaten and bloodied, brain-washed, starved, and left for dead, but that in all that pain, and all that sorrow, you stand up, and “brush the dirt off your shoulders” like Jay-Z told ya, and move the hell on with your life. You learn that fear is not getting you anywhere, and pain does not produce consequences if you aren’t listening to the right voice. You learn to rebuild and move forward. You wipe the slate clean however many times you need to and mess up, fail, fall forward and write with permanent marker as often as you need to also. You learn to give yourself permission to fail. You learn to try to paint accurate pictures of your life for people with as much detail as needed so that they can make the right decision for you. 

              You learn that even someone having a bad day somewhere can royally fuck with your life. You learn when to shut out the voices that don’t matter, and listen to the ones that do. You learn to never be silent, to never be afraid, to never back down, to be in the face of all your problems. You learn to try to pick up the pieces of your life in the ways that matter to you. You learn to listen to hope, shut out fear and distraction and stop falling down. You learn that even when you do fall down, scrape your knees, bruise your shoulder, cut your lip; you learn to wipe away the blood, squeeze your eyes to the tears and keep moving forward. Cause there is good stuff at the end, there is good stuff along the way. There is sunshine to be scattered, and hope to be found, and light to be shed in the lives of others. You learn to listen to your sixth sense because it guides you. You learn to listen to your intuition because it is sacred. You learn to hold out for the things that are worth waiting for even though rushing into them seems like the perfect solution. 

           You learn that the wedding of your dreams is possible, but that the groom may be negotiable. You learn that prices are negotiable, and the way you pay for things along the way is being nice, and the currency that is always there is hope and gratitude and peace. If you find a way to help others get to their peace of mind, their solace, their  “sunshine,” they will always find a way to repay you with kindness. You learn to do the right thing, to never walk on anyone, to have hope along the way. You learn that even though you are down to your last $10 and you need that $10 to put gas in your car to drive to the store to buy ramen noodles for 17 cents a package, you still have a way to earn more. 

         You have a way to answer the cries for help, you have some solutions to offer along the way. You learn that even though others may think you are having a nervous break down,  because you are yelling and screaming for what you know is right, you know yourself enough to know that because it is what is right, you get angry, you scream, you yell, and you move the hell on with your life. You learn that the solutions that are fixing every one else’s problems may not be the solution to fixing your own. You learn how to stay up all night when you need to—to get things done, and sleep for 12 hours at a time on the days you need to sleep, because even though that doesn’t make sense to any one else, it makes sense to you. You learn that even though you forgot to write your 5 page Essay for your Advanced English course in high school because some domestic violence happened at home, that kept you from writing your paper; you have an English teacher who believes in you, and knows you’re a good writer; a decent person, and she wants to help you develop your voice too.  

            You learn that even though you did not share that part of your life with her, she can see the fear in your eyes, the worry, the intent. So she gives you another day to complete the assignment and another day is all you needed, because you got an ‘A’ on the paper. You learn to recognize the people that knock you down, and the ones that help you stand back up. You learn that even though you had to take regular English, your junior year of high school because you did not understand how a syllabus worked, because no one ever taught you and you failed one semester, does not mean that teacher understands where you are in your life. You learn to move to a regular English class and accept the ‘B’ because you knew you could do better but the violence at home would not stop. You learned to switch to an advanced English class your senior year, and excel in that class and move forward with hope, perseverance and faith.  You learn that the Summer before college spent worrying about college is no Summer at all, and who wants an ulcer anyway?!

            You learn to talk to people in your situation that share your story and how to move forward with the skills that you have. You learn to be brave, to be skinny when you have to, to be fat when you have to, to accept yourself for your faults because other’s will too. You learn to feel good about life. You learn to only reason with reason itself and to not back down or go quietly into the night. You learn that age has no bearing on maturity and love truly knows no boundaries. You learn to listen to your heart, regardless of what the cynics say, and to violate the law when the law is wrong, and stay strong when others are telling you, you might go to jail. You learn to hope. You learn to find hope in your own situation and help others find hope in theirs too. You learn how a new coat of paint and a new pair of shoes are enough to help someone else rebuild their life. You learn what you can from what you know, you learn how to be a philosopher and an entrepreneur, and a philanthropist when you have your heart in the right place. Reason will tell you differently, fear will try to bind you, hope will find it’s way.  Hope is the flower that grows up through the sidewalk cracks even though reason tells it not to, hope is the rhythm that moves all of us along. Heaven can be a heart beat away, pain can be pushed aside, and the characters of our lives can be rewritten. Good friends will find you, safety will find you, and hope will move you along.

Victim or Survivor?

Remember one of my recent posts and how I talked about fight and flight responses? Nature will tell you it is the most common response for animals in the wild to fight or flee when confronted with a dangerous, overwhelming circumstance. That’s why certain animals have protective coloring, sharp claws, teeth, and can run 25 miles per hour. I don’t have sharp claws, teeth, and the only way I am willing to run, is if my life depends on it. My lack of protective coloring and razor-sharp claws however does not keep me from fighting or fleeing. Dangerous overwhelming circumstances happen in my life every day. I have an ex-husband who makes it very hard for me to think clearly. He has done everything one person can do to another to make me feel trapped, afraid and overwhelmed. I have tried my hardest over the past decade to keep my sanity, stay alert, keep my son safe and decide whether or not to fight or flee. I have done both.

When I was married to The Mistake I chose to fight, chose to stand by him, listen to him, try to understand him and ‘work things out.’ I went to marriage counseling, I read books about men and women and their differences, I tried ad nauseam to see his point of view. I feel I exhausted every resource I could, in order to stay. After years of extreme mental and physical abuse I took my son and left.  The last fight we ever got into did not end well. He had purchased a big-screen TV, which cost over $400 while we had a young child and were trying to save for a house. Our rent at the time was $350.00. He had mentioned wanting to purchase this TV and a surround sound system to go with it. I told him that was something we needed to talk more about.  We had a new son who was less than a year old.  It was just after the Christmas-holiday hoopla season and I had stayed up one night to take down the tree and all the season’s festive trimmings. There was a fireplace in our small apartment, oddly enough , and I remember looking in a box at our wedding photos. Several frames, and mementos remained in the box and I was going to place them on the fire place mantle.

  I kept staring at the framed photographs in the box and I knew that on that day, three years earlier when I had promised myself to that man and no other that I meant what I said. I meant I would stand by him through thick and thin—I had certainly changed clothing sizes post-baby, through sickness and health---I had been emotionally sick and taken anti-depressants, cared for our young son, and even cared for my husband when he was ill. The part I hadn’t made it through was the ‘til death do you part.’ Staring into the box of wedding photographs I realized I was dead inside. My love for this man was waning, the torment and excruciating pain he put me through was overwhelming.

                The mistake stormed through the door almost two hours after he had gotten off work, close to midnight. His brother helped him carry the TV into our apartment. Naturally I was furious. I was upset that I wasn’t important enough for him to have at least called to tell me he was running late, I was furious he had not asked me how I felt about making such a large purchase and how he expected me to keep paying for things we could not afford.  I made some snarky comments about the giant television being placed on the floor. My young twenty-something brother –in-law sensed my distress and exited, stage left. Our son was asleep in his crib, the box of wedding photos remained unpacked on the mantle, and I began fighting with this man I promised to love with all my heart, might, mind, and strength, until death did we part.  I cannot tell you all that was said, I cannot tell you all that I did. I can tell you that my son woke up and was bawling. I went in his room to console him. My son was crying out for me in his tiny frightened voice. He was afraid, he was screaming in terror.

I tried to pick up my wailing child, to console him, to hold him close, and The Mistake threw me on the ground. He pushed me down so hard he knocked the wind out of me. I stood up, my child and reason for fighting less than 10 feet away from me still upset and frightened from having watched his father push me to the ground. I stood up with a fire in my eyes that still remains. I stood up and I punched The Mistake as hard as I could, giving him a black eye. I told him he would NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN. He took our son out of his crib, tried to console him, but all my son wanted was me. He wanted me to take him in my arms, to know that I am okay, he was afraid of his father. I tried everything I could to bring The Mistake to his knees so I could take my son and leave.  The Mistake kept hold of our son, clutching him tightly screaming obscenities’ to me all while my son was still wailing.

At some point after I had injured The Mistake and had gotten my son back, I comforted my sweet fearful baby, and called my mother to tell her what happened. I locked the front door. I knew there was no way The Mistake could get in the door while it was locked, because it was a chain link lock and would only lock from the inside.  At the time all of this was happening in my marriage, I had befriended the neighbors down stairs.  They were an older couple trying to start their life over, sell their home and relocate until something more permanent became available. They were my life raft at the time. I would spend hours talking to them and talking to the wife who was also a mother and grandmother. She had fallen ill and had surgery and I spent several days cooking and making extra food to take to them because we had become so close. I remember the phone call I got the next day from her vividly. This elderly couple lived directly below me, they had heard the fight the night before. They had witnessed my son screaming out for me and the sounds of The Mistake throwing me around. She told me I was a wonderful mother, that I was capable and strong, that she almost called the police, than her husband came up to see if I was alright, but The Mistake had already left. She told me I shouldn’t ever put up with that kind of abuse from a man or anyone else. I told her I knew, that I didn’t know where to begin to start over, but that I was tired of feeling afraid.

                Over the next few weeks I had to move all of my stuff out of the apartment and into storage. I learned The Mistake had started an affair with a co-worker whom I assume he told he was already getting divorced. I had to move in with my Mother and Father. I had no job, and The Mistake had left me with no money by cleaning out our joint checking account. When I asked The Mistake how he expected me to pay for our son, to even feed him his response was: “you have food stamps.” I had to deal with The Mistake coming over to harass and threaten me while I was trying to move our things in storage, to start over, begin a new chapter in my life. He returned to the apartment again and again to turn all of the lights on because the power was in my name and he thought making the power bill more expensive was a good means at getting back at me. I dealt with The Mistake taking my name off the car insurance so that the vehicle I was driving was uninsured, him not caring if his son and I were in a wreck what might happen to us. I dealt with threat after threat, act of isolation after act of isolation. I felt alone, financially penniless and emotionally broken.

                Over time, my bruised ribs healed, the bruises he left on my arms from grabbing me so hard, the bruises up and down my back from being thrown into the door and the door knob landing squarely and painfully in my mid- back. I imagine the land lord of the previous apartment I vacated had to patch the hole in the wall where his fist went. I imagine the land lord had to patch the hole in the wall where I had thrown a jar candle across the room, when I learned I was pregnant; Even though my son was planned, even though I wanted to be a mother more than anything else in the world.  I had a conversation with my best friend, who married the exact same mistake I had. We spoke of how messed up it was that our desire to become mothers out -weighed anything else in our lives. We spoke of the blessing our children have been , the source of joy, and how the lack of support and love from their father’s have gravely affected us.  The toll this journey has taken on our hearts, the pain we live with, the fears we’ve outgrown.

                While living with my parents, my belongings in storage, waiting for a divorce to be finalized on a marriage I entered with hope and exited in sheer terror, I began to think things through.  My son slept with me every night in the hide-a-bed that folded out from the sofa and I cried myself to sleep. I cried so hard I didn’t think I had any more tears to cry. I didn’t understand why I had let my life get to this point, why I had married a man that was so cruel and unfeeling. A man who would never truly understand the  bond between a mother and child and how that cannot ever be broken, not even in death. I had married a man who blamed me for the extra weight I put on from pregnancy, but did not support me well enough to watch our own child while I worked out and did anything about getting back to my pre-pregnancy size. I had married a man I thought was religious who hid pornographic magazines all over the house, who spent money we didn’t have to finance an addiction he said he didn’t have, yet I kept finding the proof of everywhere I turned.

                I am the crazy one. I am psychotic, I am fearless. I never quit fighting, I never backed down, I have not given him the upper hand since. My son is afraid of him, he has concerns that he only tells me, and a few he shares with a counselor, he has trusted me with information he cannot tell anyone else, that I promised to never tell anyone, not even in a court of law. I will continue to fight, and to protect my son. I am still the young mother and woman who got thrown down in front of her son in so many ways, but I am no victim. I will always stand and fight. I will always be courageous. I will never stop helping people, and I will never be afraid of any man ever again. Especially The Mistake. He will never threaten me, belittle me, undermine me, or frustrate me ever again.  He can say what he wants; he can believe I am a crazy heartless bitch who is constantly keeping him from seeing his son. His opinion of me does not matter. He can call the police, he can throw me in jail, he can try to keep me cornered and afraid. I will not be afraid anymore. I will not be silent. I will stand up for what I know is right, I will continue to fight. I will not run away.

                That seems to be the tricky thing about fighting and fleeing; sometimes they resemble each other and fighting looks like running away and staying looks like leaving when your heart isn’t in it. It doesn’t matter what it may look like from the outside, it only matters how it feels to you, and what you need to do to keep yourself safe, and keep yourself sane. No one is perfect, no one person has all the answers, but what is inside each of us pre determines what comes next. We are all the master’s of our own destiny and no matter how many times we get knocked down, we can stand back up. No matter how many times someone tells us we’re the victim, it is up to us to decide our own fate.  I have decided to be a survivor, and I will not go silent into the night. I will not be afraid any more.