Adventures In Therapy

There was a long period of time where I defined chronic pain as merely physical.

I'm pretty sure I've written about my physical pain. Chiari Malformation led to spinal cord degeneration in my teens, which led to fifteen long, agonizing years of pain in my nerves. The pain is still there and getting worse as I age, but last Fall I found a device to control it. Thank God someone in this house watches TV and learned about this device! I bought it on a whim and the rest is history.

But that's another story.

Soon after my physical pain began to feel manageable, I found myself falling into a deep depression. This was the opposite of what I expected to feel, after so many years of constant pain coming to an end.

So I went to counseling. The first few months were uneventful. It seemed I was getting nowhere, and I thought I just had a bad counselor. In fact, the only realization I had in the first few months was that our emotions are buoys at the surface. The only time they go under the surface is when something heavier comes along to push the buoy under. For me, physical pain was much heavier and screamed for attention 24/7. So my emotional stuff never got the attention it needed. Anywho.

So I got an appointment with a psychologist who was very good. I only saw him twice, because that's all I needed to jump start my healing. During our second session, he asked me why I am here.

That seemed like an ambiguous and philosophical question, so I blathered on about irresponsible parents and my mother's history before he stopped me. He said, 'No, you are here because your parents had sex.'

So simple. At that moment, I started to understand that my existence is not my fault. I don't need to feel such guilt for being alive. I don't need to feel that I'm a nuissance and a difficult person just because my family treats me as if I am.

I forgave myself for being here.

Almost immediately, the need to justify and accept my family's behavior dried up and blew away. I did nothing to deserve it.

A healthy person does not run around hurting people as revenge for their hurts.

So I went back to my counselor and started to work through this. One major realization I had is that all my life, I believed that my accident (age 6) was my trauma. But it wasn't. I drug that identity around with me, and 'because of the accident' became everyone's go-to excuse for me being, well, Me.

But in fact, I was treated as a Less-Than long before the accident occurred. What really happened is the accident became a convenient excuse for everyone's behavior. Even mine, they said. 'She reacts this way to our mistreatment because of her accident.'

But it was bullshit. My accident affected me, yes, but it didn't define my life as much as I was taught to believe. The way I'm treated by my family has nothing to do with that event.

All these years I have known that something was off, but I didn't pinpoint it until now. I used to think I wanted to be 'normal' and to fit in. The truth is that I wanted an identity outside of my accident. I want to exist as a human being with needs and reactions and a personality that are not dependent on an event that took place 22 years ago.

Don't we all? No matter what happens to us, aren't we all still humans with the same basic needs?

I realize that it wasn't the choices I made when I was younger that took away my chance at healing. It was my pain. I would never have had the chance to effectively heal from my past if it weren't for my device.

So I ask... what's stopping you?

How To Respect Yourself

1. Dress Like Barbie

Ladies, run out and get yourself a Barbie coloring book. My daughter got one a few years ago and I couldn't help but notice her simple dress code.

Rule #1
Barbie never wears a short skirt or short shorts with a revealing top. Short skirts and shorts are only appropriate with modest tops.

Rule #2
Barbie never wears a revealing/low cut/strappy top with high cut bottoms. Skimpy tops are only appropriate with below-the-knee bottoms. That includes skirts, shorts, capris, and pants.

Rule #3
Have you ever seen Barbie wearing ratty pajama pants and a sweater in public? No way! Do NOT risk ending up on the People of Walmart website. Always wear real pants, a bra, and lipstick when you're in public.

I realize that this may sound silly and that the Barbie clothes sold in stores don't always follow the rules, but trust me on the coloring book. You can be sexy, beautiful, and classy without oversharing! The way we dress might be the greatest reflection of our self-esteem.

2. Make decisions and live a life that reflects YOU.

We all have a unique combination of opinions, thoughts, preferences, and interests. So why live your life trying to please or impress anyone but yourself?

Acting to impress a boss or a potential employer is one thing, but never ever act as a phony in a personal relationship. The mask WILL fall off, if only momentarily, and you WILL be found out. So be true to YOU. Even if your target audience doesn't agree with everything you do, there ARE people out there who will appreciate - not to mention respect - you for being you. And on that note, if you find yourself surrounded by people who judge and condemn everything you do and say... you need new surroundings. Plain and simple.

3. Spend more time on your own life than you do on others

Ever notice how other people's problems and drama can consume us for hours, days, years?? We feel anxious, upset, and legitimately drained when we get deeply involved in other people's lives. Yet many of us struggle to convince ourselves to exercise for ten minutes a day! That is so ass-backward, yet prevalent in our society. I'm still not entirely sure how it came to this, aside from the media and our culture telling us we need to obsess over other people.

For some Goddamn reason, women are programmed to worry about everyone and everything before we worry about ourselves. We obsess over judging and fixing other people's problems! Yes, I get it, Biology says the human race wouldn't survive without this trait. But we've taken it way too far.

The cure for this is to practice doing what we can, and accepting things that are not in our control. We create most of the guilt and 'should's in our lives, and I do believe that if we become more active in our own lives, we can drop the guilt just as we picked it up. Right?? We will also find that other people's lives become much less deserving of our time.

The point is: Make YOUR life worth living before you embark on a quest to save everyone else. And do NOT engage with people who don't appreciate your individuality. Don't waste your time explaining yourself. There is no need.