If It's Not Broken, Don't Fix It

After finishing reading Codependent No More yesterday, I realized something: I'm NOT codependent anymore. I related to a lot of things from the book, but it's stuff I used to do and think. I don't think that way anymore. Whoa, did I really just say that?

I have changed! I have healed and gotten better at this. I want to share my success because it's a huge milestone for me to have realized that I have made it... without even knowing it.

So here's the old me:

I used to...

... wish others liked me
... wish I had someone else's life
... think I would be happier if... [insert thousands of things outside my control]
... hold in my feelings to avoid confrontation, but boil over inside
... not trust my own feelings
... try endlessly to prove that I'm worth loving
... try to verbally convince others that I'm worth loving
... 'take care' of everybody except myself
... fix things that I had no business fixing
... allow people to push me around
... allow others to determine my self-image
... be an easy target to demean
... never get compliments
... be fiercely attracted to compulsive, intense, controlling people

And here's the new and improved me:

Now I...

... know others like me
... know I have a GREAT life headed in GREAT directions
... am happier (without everyone else's problems to deal with)
... only hold my tongue when sharing my thoughts isn't worth the effort
... trust myself
... know that I'm lovable and worth anyone's effort
... never have to ask if others love me
... take care of myself and my children (funny how there's not much time left to take care of others anymore)
... don't fix others' 'stuff' unless they ask
... can't think of anyone who even tries to push me around
... couldn't care less about what others thinks of me... I'm Great and I'm surrounded by plenty of wonderful people who agree!
... am never targeted by people who just need to punish someone
... get compliments every day!
... am attracted to stability

I recently went to counseling specifically to get over my 'mommy issues.' Thanksgiving came after two sessions, and the plan was to help my mom make Thanksgiving dinner for my siblings, my grandparents, and my kids and myself.

My mom had just had her thyroid taken out (literally a week prior) and everyone seemed to be picking on her. My step-dad and my grandma were both insisting that my mom cook two turkeys - one the way she wanted, and one the way they wanted. My grandma is always in the way, micromanaging everyone's lives and causing problems, but I stood up to her this Thanksgiving, for the first time ever. I told her to stay out of my mom's way and try to be respectful in my mother's home for once. My mom had just had her thyroid surgery, she was tired and overloaded with responsibilities for Thanksgiving. It. Felt. So. Good to stand up to my grandma. I protected my mother, and she has been 100% nicer to me since then. As for my grandma? She doesn't nag me anymore. Jenn - 2, Life - 0!

I decided after my divorce that hiding my feelings didn't solve a damn thing. I fell back into the old pattern for a short time, but the last 18 months has been smooth sailing. And you know what's funny? More people like me and want to be around me. And I like myself.

I went on a first date yesterday with a super nice guy, and felt... relieved... to still be 'available' after the first date. I used to attract men who thought we were in an instant relationship after only one date, or at the very least demanded I not see anyone else... without actually being tied down in a 'relationship' with me, of course.

I think I'm a little scared to find out how I react to this... to dating someone new who isn't a control freak. I'm scared that I will get bored by a 'nice guy' who isn't in a rush to take me off the market. But you know what? I'm not in a rush to be taken off the market. And I think rather than adamantly say that I want to be single, I'll just run away early if a guy displays that behavior again. I don't want it anymore, and have no problems saying NO. I'm single and I want to learn to date. Really date.

So that was the first half of my journey. First, learning how to get out of bad relationships, and now learning to find the good ones. :)

The Narcissist and the Codependent: A Tragedy

I finally put a name to this common cycle, so I have to write about it!

Once again, here's the link to the article that opened my eyes: Narcissism Understood.

As easy as it is to write a shopping list of all the things he has done wrong, it's more productive and fulfilling to pinpoint the cause of all the strange, mystifying behaviors. My personal narcissist is not near as bad as some mentioned in this article, but he is bad enough for me to run away screaming. 

(This post is the gist of the information from the article linked above. It's a long article, so I'm just whittling it down to key points).

Before I write down his traits though, let's define narcissism. In a nutshell, it's what happens when a person doesn't like himself so much that he banishes his 'true self' to permanent hiding inside a thick shell. He will create and worship a false identity for himself that, to him, is more tolerable. A narcissist appears to adore himself and gives you that 'too good to be true' feeling so commonly felt before a roller coaster of emotions.

The sad part is, false identities do not have feelings. They are fake and, in general, man-made things do not possess emotions. The whole purpose of this false identity is to be able to function without emotion. To be a functioning member of society without pain. Generally narcissists have experienced so much emotional confusion or pain as a child that they literally shut down. 

I've seen a ton of articles claiming that narcissists cannot change, but I don't believe that's the case. I do believe, however, that they will NOT change unless they want to, and that for most of us, it's safest to avoid intimate relationships. We sometimes become narcissists ourselves as a defense against their pain. Unfortunately, treating them as they treat us does not 'teach' them anything, it only adds to their self-loathing. As much as we want to squash/humiliate/cut this person as deep as they have cut us, it will not help. Criticism and abandonment only strengthen the shell. So who the hell should be there to support them on their journey through healing? That's a question we each have to answer for ourselves.

This is How I Recognized My Narcissist:

• Most narcissists aren’t in therapy, and even if they are, may not be diagnosed as NPD. Psychologists freely admit this, as well as the frustration and impossibility of working effectively with NPD’s.

• By definition, narcissists severely lack humility and will avoid admitting there’s something wrong with them at all costs.

• A narcissist feels terrorized at the thought of vulnerability (being emotionally honest), and develops a pathological false self to guard the unresolved emotional wounds.

• Narcissism is a condition of separation, distrust and ‘me versus you’. Such states make a relationship (which requires by definition: teamwork, trust and co-operation) impossible to sustain.

• Have you loved a person who is never wrong, never sorry and believes it is always someone else’s fault? Have you ever experienced an individual who’s non-accountable for their behavior and doesn't learn despite the mayhem and pain they produce? Have you witnessed an individual who has no tolerance for the slightest criticism, even when given constructive advice?

• Mundane tasks that don’t offer narcissistic supply are avoided and even resented. - house cleaning and relationship maintenance for Brian.

• The classic bully is an archetype of the narcissist. The bully is a person who takes their own needs primarily by charm or intimidation. To the outer world this person may appear incredibly assertive, confident, charismatic, powerful and self-assured. Nothing could be further from the truth.

• Narcissism is a grave condition of insecurity and desperately feeling unloved and unacceptable. An individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder inherently believes they are ‘damaged goods’ and fears other individuals will discover the truth: that they feel powerless. Thus the narcissist invests a great deal of energy into ‘gaining the upper hand’, to hide feeling vulnerable, insecure and broken. When they are getting what they want, the charm is flowing and plentiful. When the charm doesn't work the intimidation begins. Narcissism is categorised as an unhealthy level of self-absorption and a lack of empathy regarding how their insecure, aggressive and damaging behavior affects the world around them.
• In the myth of Narcissus, the hero fell in love with his own reflection. On the surface it may seem he was madly in love with himself. But look deeper. He was in love with his reflection. This reflection was not his true self. The very fact he fell in love with the illusionary part of himself meant he was not capable of loving his true self. To escape these disowned ‘unacceptable’ parts a narcissist scripts and creates an image of himself that he can tolerate.

• This image is a grandiose version, a version of him that is admired, adored and respected by and in control of others. He needs to be unique and he hates to be one of the crowd or ‘normal’.

No matter what the outer world initially sees, the narcissist’s depth of empathy and support is sadly non-existent, If there is no ‘pay off’ of constant admiration, his support towards you (which was initially over-the-top plentiful) becomes unavailable. In fact the narcissist has to spend so much energy mining attention for himself, He doesn't have the resources to give genuinely (without agenda) to others. He can't offer resources that do not exist.

This information put an instant end to my tears and pain. It's not about me, it's about him and his pain. He doesn't understand what he's doing. When I stopped taking it personally, I stopped crying and realized I did the right thing by getting out before I, too, was broken.

This is How I Recognized Myself:

• If you’re in a relationship with a true narcissist, by the time the personality disorder is obvious, you’re hooked, empty and exhausted (it happens bit by bit without you realising) and powerless to create boundaries and protect yourself.

• Sadly, when many women realise that the narcissist is insecure and isn’t reassured, she’ll try harder to love him. Additionally he’ll blame his behaviour on something that you are or aren’t doing, and as women we may try to ‘do it better’ or ‘get it right’. Your increased efforts to love him and make him happy only lines you up for more abuse.

• They will tolerate being damaged and feel sorry for the other person, yet in reality co-dependents are terrified about laying boundaries and taking control of their own lives. Boundary function is imperative protection against a narcissistic individual. Co-dependents love so much it hurts; whereas their self-development lies in learning to love themselves enough to stop the pain. When a co-dependent teams up with a narcissist (and many do) they will have their scant boundaries disintegrated and end up tolerating behaviour and abuse that they never thought they would. They will try again and again to prove their love, devotion and loyalty to the narcissist, all the way to their self-demise.

Even back in my marriage, I could not place the constant feeling that 'if he does this, I will feel better.' Yet no matter what he did, I was not happy. (There as also the fact that he wouldn't work, wouldn't help with kids/house/whatever and still wanted me at his beck and call). I needed to stop being a control freak and set boundaries. My ex husband has serious confidence issues, and I became his abuser every time I got 'good' at something or was progressing in life. I was happier with my own confidence, but upset by his need to control every time something was going right for me. He sees it exactly opposite... every time he started to feel good about himself and life, I went along and did something to ruin it for him (got a job, started school, was good at something). His source was dry and he went psycho control freak. I really do believe that I trained my ex-husband to act the way he did. I allowed him to be extremely lazy, as it allowed me to be in control... however out of control I was.

I've realized that rather than fix everyone around me, I need to fix myself and stop surrounding myself with other codependents or narcissists. I have to end this pattern! Once and for ALL! 

I'm ready for love. After a full of year of counseling, I have admitted to myself that I want to be accepted, I want to be loved and wanted, and I need attention. The problem with narcissists is they try to convince you that your basic needs are too much to ask, and you go crazy trying to figure out how to do it 'right' and make your partner happy enough to love you back. How about making yourself happy?? In reality, the narcissist has the same needs, but will not allow them to be fulfilled, because he is unable to allow them to exist in the first place. 

We have to accept that we have realistic needs. I know I am strong enough to never again allow an inferiority complex or a narcissist to convince me that I'm asking too much. But I have to learn to love myself just a little more, so I can be confident and single without being detached or depressed, and to let myself fall when I find what I need. I need to learn to trust and respect men again. I had a good start about a year ago, but I know I'm not where I need to be to be successful in a relationship. But I'm learning. :)

An Emotional Journey

The last six months has been quite the emotional journey for me. Here' s a brief update, followed by my  current innermost thoughts.

Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Wrong-for-Me-in-Particular. Things were going so well, but I have a tendency to get burnt out after 3 months' weekends consistently spent with someone besides my children. I decided I needed a break one weekend and got a firestorm for it. That was the first bug under my skin.

About a month prior, we had planned a trip to Vegas together (huge commitment for a couple only dating 3 months), and of course everyone we knew had joked about our shotgun Vegas wedding, which neither of us were planning on. However, a week before we were to fly out, I wondered out loud to myself what would happen if we did get married in Vegas. I felt an overwhelming rush of buyer's remorse, and knew that I could not, should not go to Vegas with this man. 

He was good on so many levels, but something just didn't click. He admittedly did not want a family (which is not an option with me, since I already have kids), he was openly immature (bragged about terrorizing others when he's in a bad mood), and had the classic inferiority complex. I met lots of his family and friends and noticed he only surrounded himself by people with significantly lower class standing, me included.

I was offered a temporary internship that paid gobs of money, because it was time-sensitive and required someone already trained. He was furious at the idea of me taking it. He offered financial help to keep me from accepting the job, and when that didn't work, he resorted to tearing down my abilities. After several days of that, I told him I didn't think we should go to Vegas together, and we broke up the next day. He was hurt, apparently, that he had not made it the minimum six months with me, and said that he was deleting me from his life. Geez. I thought we could at least have been friends, he is a really fun guy.

Then there was the six-month long custody battle. I have never felt so depressed and suicidal in my life. The anxiety and lack of closure quite literally almost killed me. We finally settled on February 7th and it has been (mostly) smooth sailing ever since. 

Shortly after Mr. Not-Perfect and I broke up, I found myself missing an ex (we'll call him Brian) like crazy. He is the only guy I have ever 'clicked' with. So we got back together, and after only 2 months had fallen back into the nasty cycle that caused our previous breakup. I had made a choice in the beginning to not run away when things get hard, to try to work through things and not give up on him this time. But I pulled the plug last week, only four months into the relationship this time. 

I had an epiphany the night we broke up. I realized Brian felt like an addiction that I could not give up, and something felt unhealthy from the start. There is SO much passion between us, and so many things that are definitely right. To be honest, I have been comparing everyone to him since the day I met him. But something was severely broken.

I decided to Google 'addictive relationship recovery,' as I want nothing more than to be truly over him and never go back. The first search hit was this link about narcissism. I was surprised, to say the least, that this could have anything to do with relationship addiction. But I read the article and found that it was the PERFECT description for our relationship. Brian was the narcissist and I the codependent. 

Another post to come specifically about that.

I decided to do some soul searching, and I am now on the path to recovery from my codependency. I know I have healed from my painful, disappointing marriage, but it never occurred to me before that maybe my feelings were caused by me, not by him. I have done an excellent job of quantifying all my exes' problems (which are very real), but not my own. Not the reasons I feel so emotionally drained from life, the reasons I feel so out of control of my life, the reasons life feels so... hard. 

I know I have healed enough, and learned to love myself enough to escape a bad cycle, but not enough to stop attracting the same men. And not enough to take control over my life.

I bought a book for Brian, Narcissism: Denial of the True Self by Alexander Lowen. Brian knows he has some serious emotional baggage that has caused misery in relationships for 20 years now. I'm not under the impression that I can fix him, but he is a big enough person to read a self-help book, and I know he will. I still adore him and want the best for him and for us (whether in a relationship or as friends), but it's too painful for me to be that close right now. I need to stay at a safe distance.

But wait, I'm not only out to help others (like a true codependent would). I've been doing research for myself as well. I want so badly to stop taking responsibility for other peoples' disasters, stop berating myself for my life, and start living my life. My mom lent me the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and it has been a HUGE eye opener. I will write more about this journey soon. :)