Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Wrong-for-Me-in-Particular. Things were going so well, but I have a tendency to get burnt out after 3 months' weekends consistently spent with someone besides my children. I decided I needed a break one weekend and got a firestorm for it. That was the first bug under my skin.
About a month prior, we had planned a trip to Vegas together (huge commitment for a couple only dating 3 months), and of course everyone we knew had joked about our shotgun Vegas wedding, which neither of us were planning on. However, a week before we were to fly out, I wondered out loud to myself what would happen if we did get married in Vegas. I felt an overwhelming rush of buyer's remorse, and knew that I could not, should not go to Vegas with this man.
About a month prior, we had planned a trip to Vegas together (huge commitment for a couple only dating 3 months), and of course everyone we knew had joked about our shotgun Vegas wedding, which neither of us were planning on. However, a week before we were to fly out, I wondered out loud to myself what would happen if we did get married in Vegas. I felt an overwhelming rush of buyer's remorse, and knew that I could not, should not go to Vegas with this man.
He was good on so many levels, but something just didn't click. He admittedly did not want a family (which is not an option with me, since I already have kids), he was openly immature (bragged about terrorizing others when he's in a bad mood), and had the classic inferiority complex. I met lots of his family and friends and noticed he only surrounded himself by people with significantly lower class standing, me included.
I was offered a temporary internship that paid gobs of money, because it was time-sensitive and required someone already trained. He was furious at the idea of me taking it. He offered financial help to keep me from accepting the job, and when that didn't work, he resorted to tearing down my abilities. After several days of that, I told him I didn't think we should go to Vegas together, and we broke up the next day. He was hurt, apparently, that he had not made it the minimum six months with me, and said that he was deleting me from his life. Geez. I thought we could at least have been friends, he is a really fun guy.
I was offered a temporary internship that paid gobs of money, because it was time-sensitive and required someone already trained. He was furious at the idea of me taking it. He offered financial help to keep me from accepting the job, and when that didn't work, he resorted to tearing down my abilities. After several days of that, I told him I didn't think we should go to Vegas together, and we broke up the next day. He was hurt, apparently, that he had not made it the minimum six months with me, and said that he was deleting me from his life. Geez. I thought we could at least have been friends, he is a really fun guy.
Then there was the six-month long custody battle. I have never felt so depressed and suicidal in my life. The anxiety and lack of closure quite literally almost killed me. We finally settled on February 7th and it has been (mostly) smooth sailing ever since.
Shortly after Mr. Not-Perfect and I broke up, I found myself missing an ex (we'll call him Brian) like crazy. He is the only guy I have ever 'clicked' with. So we got back together, and after only 2 months had fallen back into the nasty cycle that caused our previous breakup. I had made a choice in the beginning to not run away when things get hard, to try to work through things and not give up on him this time. But I pulled the plug last week, only four months into the relationship this time.
I had an epiphany the night we broke up. I realized Brian felt like an addiction that I could not give up, and something felt unhealthy from the start. There is SO much passion between us, and so many things that are definitely right. To be honest, I have been comparing everyone to him since the day I met him. But something was severely broken.
I decided to Google 'addictive relationship recovery,' as I want nothing more than to be truly over him and never go back. The first search hit was this link about narcissism. I was surprised, to say the least, that this could have anything to do with relationship addiction. But I read the article and found that it was the PERFECT description for our relationship. Brian was the narcissist and I the codependent.
I decided to Google 'addictive relationship recovery,' as I want nothing more than to be truly over him and never go back. The first search hit was this link about narcissism. I was surprised, to say the least, that this could have anything to do with relationship addiction. But I read the article and found that it was the PERFECT description for our relationship. Brian was the narcissist and I the codependent.
Another post to come specifically about that.
I decided to do some soul searching, and I am now on the path to recovery from my codependency. I know I have healed from my painful, disappointing marriage, but it never occurred to me before that maybe my feelings were caused by me, not by him. I have done an excellent job of quantifying all my exes' problems (which are very real), but not my own. Not the reasons I feel so emotionally drained from life, the reasons I feel so out of control of my life, the reasons life feels so... hard.
I know I have healed enough, and learned to love myself enough to escape a bad cycle, but not enough to stop attracting the same men. And not enough to take control over my life.
I bought a book for Brian, Narcissism: Denial of the True Self by Alexander Lowen. Brian knows he has some serious emotional baggage that has caused misery in relationships for 20 years now. I'm not under the impression that I can fix him, but he is a big enough person to read a self-help book, and I know he will. I still adore him and want the best for him and for us (whether in a relationship or as friends), but it's too painful for me to be that close right now. I need to stay at a safe distance.
But wait, I'm not only out to help others (like a true codependent would). I've been doing research for myself as well. I want so badly to stop taking responsibility for other peoples' disasters, stop berating myself for my life, and start living my life. My mom lent me the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and it has been a HUGE eye opener. I will write more about this journey soon. :)
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