If It's Not Broken, Don't Fix It

After finishing reading Codependent No More yesterday, I realized something: I'm NOT codependent anymore. I related to a lot of things from the book, but it's stuff I used to do and think. I don't think that way anymore. Whoa, did I really just say that?

I have changed! I have healed and gotten better at this. I want to share my success because it's a huge milestone for me to have realized that I have made it... without even knowing it.

So here's the old me:

I used to...

... wish others liked me
... wish I had someone else's life
... think I would be happier if... [insert thousands of things outside my control]
... hold in my feelings to avoid confrontation, but boil over inside
... not trust my own feelings
... try endlessly to prove that I'm worth loving
... try to verbally convince others that I'm worth loving
... 'take care' of everybody except myself
... fix things that I had no business fixing
... allow people to push me around
... allow others to determine my self-image
... be an easy target to demean
... never get compliments
... be fiercely attracted to compulsive, intense, controlling people

And here's the new and improved me:

Now I...

... know others like me
... know I have a GREAT life headed in GREAT directions
... am happier (without everyone else's problems to deal with)
... only hold my tongue when sharing my thoughts isn't worth the effort
... trust myself
... know that I'm lovable and worth anyone's effort
... never have to ask if others love me
... take care of myself and my children (funny how there's not much time left to take care of others anymore)
... don't fix others' 'stuff' unless they ask
... can't think of anyone who even tries to push me around
... couldn't care less about what others thinks of me... I'm Great and I'm surrounded by plenty of wonderful people who agree!
... am never targeted by people who just need to punish someone
... get compliments every day!
... am attracted to stability

I recently went to counseling specifically to get over my 'mommy issues.' Thanksgiving came after two sessions, and the plan was to help my mom make Thanksgiving dinner for my siblings, my grandparents, and my kids and myself.

My mom had just had her thyroid taken out (literally a week prior) and everyone seemed to be picking on her. My step-dad and my grandma were both insisting that my mom cook two turkeys - one the way she wanted, and one the way they wanted. My grandma is always in the way, micromanaging everyone's lives and causing problems, but I stood up to her this Thanksgiving, for the first time ever. I told her to stay out of my mom's way and try to be respectful in my mother's home for once. My mom had just had her thyroid surgery, she was tired and overloaded with responsibilities for Thanksgiving. It. Felt. So. Good to stand up to my grandma. I protected my mother, and she has been 100% nicer to me since then. As for my grandma? She doesn't nag me anymore. Jenn - 2, Life - 0!

I decided after my divorce that hiding my feelings didn't solve a damn thing. I fell back into the old pattern for a short time, but the last 18 months has been smooth sailing. And you know what's funny? More people like me and want to be around me. And I like myself.

I went on a first date yesterday with a super nice guy, and felt... relieved... to still be 'available' after the first date. I used to attract men who thought we were in an instant relationship after only one date, or at the very least demanded I not see anyone else... without actually being tied down in a 'relationship' with me, of course.

I think I'm a little scared to find out how I react to this... to dating someone new who isn't a control freak. I'm scared that I will get bored by a 'nice guy' who isn't in a rush to take me off the market. But you know what? I'm not in a rush to be taken off the market. And I think rather than adamantly say that I want to be single, I'll just run away early if a guy displays that behavior again. I don't want it anymore, and have no problems saying NO. I'm single and I want to learn to date. Really date.

So that was the first half of my journey. First, learning how to get out of bad relationships, and now learning to find the good ones. :)