Friday, March 21, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Defining Boundaries
Now that I'm onto Step 2 of my journey to happiness - Finding the RIGHT relationship - it's time to define what it is that I'm looking for. After all, you'll never find what you want if you don't know what you're looking for!
I chat with my bosses often about marriage and relationships, and I've come to terms with the fact that everybody needs something different. I, for one, could never be happy with a man who had no aspirations, hobbies, or no personal goals. I don't want to be anyone's reason for living or source of entertainment. I realize that sounds selfish and conceited, but in my mind, a man without an aspiration is a man without an identity. Words to live by, folks. I'll add that to my list of Favorite Quotes and One-Liners.
Then there's my boss, who is married to a woman who has done nothing but stay home with the kids. She's not particularly supportive or helpful with her husband's goals, but she lets him do his thing and she doesn't ask for much. My other boss is married to a woman who has spent her marriage building her husband's business, helping out and encouraging in any way she can. His success and happiness are her hobbies.
There are a few things that I know I don't and will never tolerate.. isn't it funny how it's so much easier to make a list of things we don't want than a list of things we do want?
Then there's my boss, who is married to a woman who has done nothing but stay home with the kids. She's not particularly supportive or helpful with her husband's goals, but she lets him do his thing and she doesn't ask for much. My other boss is married to a woman who has spent her marriage building her husband's business, helping out and encouraging in any way she can. His success and happiness are her hobbies.
There are a few things that I know I don't and will never tolerate.. isn't it funny how it's so much easier to make a list of things we don't want than a list of things we do want?
For example, I will never be happy with a porn addict (more to come on that later). I will never be happy with an inferiority complex, a controlling personality, a 'good enough' personality, or an insecure person.
But what could make me happy and fulfilled? I will write a list, sparing you the weighted averages.
My significant other must...
... be forward and blunt. I prefer honest, aggressive personalities.
... be smart. I love intellectual conversation!
... take care of himself.
... be passionate.
... be spontaneous.
... be open about his feelings.
... be independent.
I'll be honest, I haven't been great about enforcing my expectations in the past. But it's something that has GOT to happen for any relationship to flourish. If I find a guy who doesn't have even half of these qualities, but thinks I'm perfect for him, I need to be honest about my feelings. I need to trust myself enough to know that as much as he argues that he is truly wonderful (and maybe he is perfect for someone else), he is not what I'm looking for.
Being honest with yourself about your expectations and limits is Step #1 to getting into the right relationship. I feel like I need to chant these words to myself daily for them to sink in.
My opinions matter.
My feelings matter.
I know what I want.
I know what works for me... and what doesn't.
Frankly, no one has the right to try to convince me otherwise. No one has the right to tell me what I should tolerate. Right?? But all too often, we give others the rights to our limits, simply by keeping silent. And I'm saying right now: knock that shit off. Respect yourself enough to say No when it feels wrong, and Go For It when it feels right.
I'll admit it, I hate whining. I hate salespeople. And every single time I start to stand up for myself and my feelings, these are the responses I am met with. Whining, guilt-tripping, convincing, and more whining. These are my weak spots. These are the things I cave to just so I don't have to listen to them anymore. But I'm putting an end to it. I have a new zero-tolerance policy for whining. I am learning to tune it out. Tune the garbage out.
Make your own zero-tolerance policy for things that don't work for you.
'Cause here's the scoop:
If you ever find yourself so deep in a miserable relationship, so entrenched in someone else's life or grasp that you can no longer breathe or care about yourself... you have no one to blame but yourself. Your reality is ONLY a reflection of your choices, and your reactions to the choices made by others. (Unless you are ill outside your control, of course.) Wherever you are right now, today, it's a result of YOU. Never forget that. Never blame someone else for your situation. If you can't get out of a bad situation, it's because YOU can't get out. Not because someone is forcing you to stay.
So define some boundaries already! Get to know your unique self and what YOU want in life, then make it happen. Go for what YOU want. Don't become a victim of what someone else wants for you. Gain an identity and take control over your life and your happiness. And most importantly, trust that your thoughts matter. Because they do.
I'll be honest, I haven't been great about enforcing my expectations in the past. But it's something that has GOT to happen for any relationship to flourish. If I find a guy who doesn't have even half of these qualities, but thinks I'm perfect for him, I need to be honest about my feelings. I need to trust myself enough to know that as much as he argues that he is truly wonderful (and maybe he is perfect for someone else), he is not what I'm looking for.
Being honest with yourself about your expectations and limits is Step #1 to getting into the right relationship. I feel like I need to chant these words to myself daily for them to sink in.
My opinions matter.
My feelings matter.
I know what I want.
I know what works for me... and what doesn't.
Frankly, no one has the right to try to convince me otherwise. No one has the right to tell me what I should tolerate. Right?? But all too often, we give others the rights to our limits, simply by keeping silent. And I'm saying right now: knock that shit off. Respect yourself enough to say No when it feels wrong, and Go For It when it feels right.
I'll admit it, I hate whining. I hate salespeople. And every single time I start to stand up for myself and my feelings, these are the responses I am met with. Whining, guilt-tripping, convincing, and more whining. These are my weak spots. These are the things I cave to just so I don't have to listen to them anymore. But I'm putting an end to it. I have a new zero-tolerance policy for whining. I am learning to tune it out. Tune the garbage out.
Make your own zero-tolerance policy for things that don't work for you.
'Cause here's the scoop:
If you ever find yourself so deep in a miserable relationship, so entrenched in someone else's life or grasp that you can no longer breathe or care about yourself... you have no one to blame but yourself. Your reality is ONLY a reflection of your choices, and your reactions to the choices made by others. (Unless you are ill outside your control, of course.) Wherever you are right now, today, it's a result of YOU. Never forget that. Never blame someone else for your situation. If you can't get out of a bad situation, it's because YOU can't get out. Not because someone is forcing you to stay.
So define some boundaries already! Get to know your unique self and what YOU want in life, then make it happen. Go for what YOU want. Don't become a victim of what someone else wants for you. Gain an identity and take control over your life and your happiness. And most importantly, trust that your thoughts matter. Because they do.
Monday, March 17, 2014
A Silent Struggle
Today I'm posting something deeply personal that's been 'on my mind' a lot the past few days... no pun intended.
About six weeks ago I was having a particularly fantastic day at work, feeling rather stress-free for the first time in months. Then, literally 30 seconds after happily delivering a set of finished drawings to my boss, our secretary found me sprawled out over my desk, unresponsive. When I came to, my memory of the previous two months or so was completely gone, and still is.
(On a side note, my back has ached, and weakness and numbness in my left side have been coming and going for about ten weeks now.)
I went to the hospital in an ambulance, where I underwent numerous tests, and was eventually sent home with orders to 'take it easy.' I went to the University of Utah the following week to see my neurosurgeon (remember, I have a Type I Arnold Chiari Malformation, Syringomyelia (Ser-INGO-my-EE-lee-uh), scoliosis, and tons of nerve damage), where I was told that my brain and spinal cord look fine, and I am suffering from stress-related memory loss caused by a silent migraine.
Stress. Related. Memory Loss.
Silent Migraine.
In case you're wondering, a silent migraine is a migraine without the pain. Imagine having extreme fatigue, light sensitivity, exhaustion, nausea, dizziness, ear pressure, throbbing in the brain, etc, but no pain.
It took me a good month to retain memories from the day before. I still remember very little from the month of February. I ended up dropping a class because I could not retain the material to save my life. Every day I woke up with no recollection of ever attending the class, but had a notebook full of notes to prove otherwise.
The past two weeks have been wonderful. I finally started to feel like myself again. Could finally think like an engineer again, and could retain material and focus again.
Life was really wonderful until last Friday. I had spent Wednesday and Thursday working feverishly on projects and studying for an exam, excited for better grades. But Friday afternoon came around and my brain slowed down again, and I have been unable to focus since then. I had a good, productive day at work today, but work seems like the only thing I can focus on right now. That's probably a good thing, since someone has to pay the bills around here. But the rest of my life is suffering.
I'm distracted, anxious, foggy, forgetful, and zoned out of reality. My ears hurt, I have light sensitivity, little appetite, my back aches, my digestive tract is on the fritz, and I'm nauseous. I feel stupid. Things that I used to do so quickly and easily now literally take me hours. My thought processes have slowed considerably. And I'm not sleeping well. I feel like sleeping a lot, but I haven't had quality sleep in a couple weeks. I can't relax.
My least favorite part about the whole thing is when people tell me 'You've made a full recovery! You look great!' But I don't feel great. I feel like shit. I feel like a train hit me and I'm under permanent anesthesia. I'm immensely stressed about school because I know I can't handle much more school+work+kids, but I also couldn't handle all my classes. I literally can't push myself so hard anymore. On the days I've forced myself to do a lot, my memory is gone the following day. Pushing myself and over-exerting my brain isn't helping. I can't just study harder. Work harder. Not like I used to.
I feel like life has a sign in front of me that says STOP. No matter what I do right now, my body and mind will NOT allow me to work too hard. I have to wait for my mind to be ready. It sucks. I'm so used to forcing myself to do what needs to be done, but whatever crutch I had holding my body up is now broken. Something in my mind is broken. Maybe permanently. Maybe just until I graduate and have one less thing to stress me out.
All I want is to hit the Undo button and go back to early February. I can't even remember my birthday. I'm feeling very empathetic right now for people who suffer with mental illness. People who feel crazy, anxious, foggy, stupid... but appear normal. Even people who don't appear normal. My mind hurts from the stress and from trying desperately to see through the fog.
My heart goes out to all of you fighting to see through the fog. <3 <3
About six weeks ago I was having a particularly fantastic day at work, feeling rather stress-free for the first time in months. Then, literally 30 seconds after happily delivering a set of finished drawings to my boss, our secretary found me sprawled out over my desk, unresponsive. When I came to, my memory of the previous two months or so was completely gone, and still is.
(On a side note, my back has ached, and weakness and numbness in my left side have been coming and going for about ten weeks now.)
I went to the hospital in an ambulance, where I underwent numerous tests, and was eventually sent home with orders to 'take it easy.' I went to the University of Utah the following week to see my neurosurgeon (remember, I have a Type I Arnold Chiari Malformation, Syringomyelia (Ser-INGO-my-EE-lee-uh), scoliosis, and tons of nerve damage), where I was told that my brain and spinal cord look fine, and I am suffering from stress-related memory loss caused by a silent migraine.
Stress. Related. Memory Loss.
Silent Migraine.
In case you're wondering, a silent migraine is a migraine without the pain. Imagine having extreme fatigue, light sensitivity, exhaustion, nausea, dizziness, ear pressure, throbbing in the brain, etc, but no pain.
It took me a good month to retain memories from the day before. I still remember very little from the month of February. I ended up dropping a class because I could not retain the material to save my life. Every day I woke up with no recollection of ever attending the class, but had a notebook full of notes to prove otherwise.
The past two weeks have been wonderful. I finally started to feel like myself again. Could finally think like an engineer again, and could retain material and focus again.
Life was really wonderful until last Friday. I had spent Wednesday and Thursday working feverishly on projects and studying for an exam, excited for better grades. But Friday afternoon came around and my brain slowed down again, and I have been unable to focus since then. I had a good, productive day at work today, but work seems like the only thing I can focus on right now. That's probably a good thing, since someone has to pay the bills around here. But the rest of my life is suffering.
I'm distracted, anxious, foggy, forgetful, and zoned out of reality. My ears hurt, I have light sensitivity, little appetite, my back aches, my digestive tract is on the fritz, and I'm nauseous. I feel stupid. Things that I used to do so quickly and easily now literally take me hours. My thought processes have slowed considerably. And I'm not sleeping well. I feel like sleeping a lot, but I haven't had quality sleep in a couple weeks. I can't relax.
My least favorite part about the whole thing is when people tell me 'You've made a full recovery! You look great!' But I don't feel great. I feel like shit. I feel like a train hit me and I'm under permanent anesthesia. I'm immensely stressed about school because I know I can't handle much more school+work+kids, but I also couldn't handle all my classes. I literally can't push myself so hard anymore. On the days I've forced myself to do a lot, my memory is gone the following day. Pushing myself and over-exerting my brain isn't helping. I can't just study harder. Work harder. Not like I used to.
I feel like life has a sign in front of me that says STOP. No matter what I do right now, my body and mind will NOT allow me to work too hard. I have to wait for my mind to be ready. It sucks. I'm so used to forcing myself to do what needs to be done, but whatever crutch I had holding my body up is now broken. Something in my mind is broken. Maybe permanently. Maybe just until I graduate and have one less thing to stress me out.
All I want is to hit the Undo button and go back to early February. I can't even remember my birthday. I'm feeling very empathetic right now for people who suffer with mental illness. People who feel crazy, anxious, foggy, stupid... but appear normal. Even people who don't appear normal. My mind hurts from the stress and from trying desperately to see through the fog.
My heart goes out to all of you fighting to see through the fog. <3 <3
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