A Silent Struggle

Today I'm posting something deeply personal that's been 'on my mind' a lot the past few days... no pun intended.

About six weeks ago I was having a particularly fantastic day at work, feeling rather stress-free for the first time in months. Then, literally 30 seconds after happily delivering a set of finished drawings to my boss, our secretary found me sprawled out over my desk, unresponsive. When I came to, my memory of the previous two months or so was completely gone, and still is.

(On a side note, my back has ached, and weakness and numbness in my left side have been coming and going for about ten weeks now.)

I went to the hospital in an ambulance, where I underwent numerous tests, and was eventually sent home with orders to 'take it easy.' I went to the University of Utah the following week to see my neurosurgeon (remember, I have a Type I Arnold Chiari Malformation, Syringomyelia (Ser-INGO-my-EE-lee-uh), scoliosis, and tons of nerve damage), where I was told that my brain and spinal cord look fine, and I am suffering from stress-related memory loss caused by a silent migraine.

Stress. Related. Memory Loss.

Silent Migraine.

In case you're wondering, a silent migraine is a migraine without the pain. Imagine having extreme fatigue, light sensitivity, exhaustion, nausea, dizziness, ear pressure, throbbing in the brain, etc, but no pain.

It took me a good month to retain memories from the day before. I still remember very little from the month of February. I ended up dropping a class because I could not retain the material to save my life. Every day I woke up with no recollection of ever attending the class, but had a notebook full of notes to prove otherwise.

The past two weeks have been wonderful. I finally started to feel like myself again. Could finally think like an engineer again, and could retain material and focus again.

Life was really wonderful until last Friday. I had spent Wednesday and Thursday working feverishly on projects and studying for an exam, excited for better grades. But Friday afternoon came around and my brain slowed down again, and I have been unable to focus since then. I had a good, productive day at work today, but work seems like the only thing I can focus on right now. That's probably a good thing, since someone has to pay the bills around here. But the rest of my life is suffering.

I'm distracted, anxious, foggy, forgetful, and zoned out of reality. My ears hurt, I have light sensitivity, little appetite, my back aches, my digestive tract is on the fritz, and I'm nauseous. I feel stupid. Things that I used to do so quickly and easily now literally take me hours. My thought processes have slowed considerably. And I'm not sleeping well. I feel like sleeping a lot, but I haven't had quality sleep in a couple weeks. I can't relax.

My least favorite part about the whole thing is when people tell me 'You've made a full recovery! You look great!' But I don't feel great. I feel like shit. I feel like a train hit me and I'm under permanent anesthesia. I'm immensely stressed about school because I know I can't handle much more school+work+kids, but I also couldn't handle all my classes. I literally can't push myself so hard anymore. On the days I've forced myself to do a lot, my memory is gone the following day. Pushing myself and over-exerting my brain isn't helping. I can't just study harder. Work harder. Not like I used to.

I feel like life has a sign in front of me that says STOP. No matter what I do right now, my body and mind will NOT allow me to work too hard. I have to wait for my mind to be ready. It sucks. I'm so used to forcing myself to do what needs to be done, but whatever crutch I had holding my body up is now broken. Something in my mind is broken. Maybe permanently. Maybe just until I graduate and have one less thing to stress me out.

All I want is to hit the Undo button and go back to early February. I can't even remember my birthday. I'm feeling very empathetic right now for people who suffer with mental illness. People who feel crazy, anxious, foggy, stupid... but appear normal. Even people who don't appear normal. My mind hurts from the stress and from trying desperately to see through the fog.

My heart goes out to all of you fighting to see through the fog. <3 <3