by Robin Norwood
"The more difficult it is to end a relationship that is bad for you, the more elements of your childhood struggle it contains.'
This book is so spot on accurate it's scary! It is definitely a tear-jerking, heart-wrenching book to read, but more than worth the tears and pain. However, I would only recommend this book to those of you who are truly ready to face your demons.
The book is full of stories about women who have loved too much. Each woman's story is a little different, but it all boils down to the same thing: We choose men not because they're like our parents, as we sometimes believe, but because they bring about the same emotional patterns we went through as children.
A woman who grew up in an emotionally or physically abusive home chooses abusive men because she hasn't broken the habit. She truly doesn't know what to do with a man who treats her kindly, and will often tell herself that kind, stable men are 'boring.'
So let's break the habit! I'll admit that it does take practice to be around healthy people when you are so used to being abused. Even though theoretically we know it's wrong, we become addicted to pain and turmoil. Crazy, right?? Believe it, ladies! The good news is we can break the habit.
Not good at making 'good' friends? Go to an LDS church and you will be surrounded by upbeat people. They tell you you look nice, even when you feel like shit, and they're genuinely interested in your day. This I say as an Agnostic. Not my personal push for the LDS church, but I've been to a few and I find the upbeat attitude everywhere inside the building.
So how do you find nice men? How do you attract good men, you ask? Step 1: Get OUT of the bad relationship. (Mental commentary, scripts, and how-to guide soon to come!) Step 2: Be nice to yourself. As Jenn B. said, 'Treat yourself as you would like to be treated!' Men know when you don't respect yourself, and you will make yourself an easy target for bad men if that's the case. Step 3: Share your success story! You can get out, get over it, and move on with your life as a healthier, happier woman. Three, two, one, GO!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Life in the FAST lane!!!!
Wusssssup bitches!!! Ya how lame of me to start out my official blog (that I've been fantasizing about for quite some time now) with a cheesy pick up line like the one that's probably been used on you at the bar. What's that you say? You don't frequent bars? You'll never find a good man in a bar? hmmmm....where the hell do you find one than? The internet, hookup through mutual friends, wedding? Funeral? Organic foods section of the grocery store? The hardware store? Ya, well let me just tell ya that the concept of the meet and greet or the proverbial "meet market" is not lost on me.
I'm in my thirties now and have been a single mom since my twenties. I am full figured, loud-mouthed and often times quite unladylike. All of my extra milkshakes don't bring the boys to the yard, and most of the men I've met are terrified of a blunt, in your face woman calling them on their shit. So they usually back peddle and counter attack, and blame, and basically mind fuck you until you're forced to believe that it must be you. Well ya, in some ways it is, and that's fine but come on, he has flaws too and we are so unwilling to hurt our feelings or break his poor little heart that we end up breaking our own. Well I've lived that life and I've lived the lie and I am tired of faking it! We are so used to faking it, and I don't mean just with our orgasms. Why do we try and make everything okay all the time? No one is 100 %, 100% of the time! We are not Wonder Woman (love ya Linda Carter), or my other personal fav, She-ra, the warrior princess. We are not armed with an invisible plane, a golden lasso, a horse, sheild and a sword. We are gonna fall down and get hurt and have to dust ourselves off and pick up the peices and move on from there. That doesn't mean we have to do it alone.
This blog is the brain child of my left brained friend who is witty and fun and amazing and myself who joined forces a little over a year ago when we met at a New Years Eve Party. She and I have spent sleepless nights, countless tears, and endless hours texting and talking about our relationships and why we do what we do. Why the men do what they do to us. Why we go crazy and insane with guilt, anger and than strait to cold heartless bitches! Here's the thing, why be nice when a man beats you up physically, emotionally, and continually dissapoints you?! Well I am here to tell you that DAMMIT! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE!!!! Putting yourself first is a fairly new concept to us women folk. We run from sun up to sun down and in my profession, through the night to make sure everything runs smoothly for everyone. I have found that this is a gift I have. My greatest strength---my ability to take care of others is also my greatest weakness. I am an awful boundary setter. I am horrible at not letting people take advantage of me, especially those y chromosome types. But seriously get a grip, this blog is not about me, well not entirely. I want to help you learn from the perils of my crazy one of a kind stories so that you can laugh your ass off! I want you to feel better about your own situation, relate to, laugh and sometimes cry with me! I want to empower you to get out and stay out and away from the men that treat you like a cum dumpster or punching bag.
You are amazing! Shut up! Stop it! Don't tell me that you're not! I know you are! Yeah I'm talking to you super mom with a baby on your hip, cell phone on your shoulder, toddler wrapped around your legs studying for finals while reading this blog! I'm talking to you girl with a gorgeous mind whose artistic and mindful of others, blaring rock music with the windows down, not taking one minute for granted, yet living in fear of what might happen next with your boyfriend. What if you break up? GASP! It's not the worst thing ladies! My personal mantra is "It is better to be single than in the wrong relationship." I've learned this of course by dating all the wrong men and having all the wrong relationships all the time! But I am hoping you don't have to make the same mistakes I have, and that we can learn from each other. It's not raining good, decent, available men out there, but a few of them DO exist and are worth waiting for! If we could all afford to drive a mustang we would right? And if we all did it wouldn't be that exciting to own one anymore. Well take it for what it's worth. The red mustang convertible is out there! So don't settle for one that needs lots of repairs, is on it's way to the junk yard, is currently in the shop, or that someone else has the keys too! You deserve your own shiny, candle apple red mustang convertible! You are worth it! Put on your high heels and hold your head high because no one deserves to make you feel less than adequate when the truth is you have a life of growth, friendship and incredible enrichment out there! So get on board with this plan and tune out the negative nancy's in your head! It's time to blare the rock music and fly down the freeway!
Saturday, April 28, 2012
The 5 Love Languages
by Gary Chapman
The premise of this book is not incredibly profound, but simple. The generalization of this book is that there are five 'spoken' love languages, and we each give and receive love in one or two prominent languages. The idea is helpful not only to understand how you receive love and why you may not feel 'loved' even though your man claims to 'love' you, but also to understand how to properly 'love' someone else who receives love in a different way. It doesn't mean that you have to learn to accept love in different ways (which most men will try to convince you of - e.g. 'I'm not good with my feelings, just accept that I can't talk about it'), it's more about learning how to give love in a way that your partner recognizes it. And your partner has to do the same! So here are the languages:
1. Verbal Affirmation
You need to be told frequently how much your partner adores you and loves you. [Insert starstruck face here].
2. Physical Touch
You love to be hugged, cuddled, kissed, etc.
3. Small Acts of Kindness
You feel special when your partner changes your oil, folds the laundry, or cleans the litter box.
4. Gifts
You love receiving gifts, whether they be large or small. To you it's proof that your significant other was thinking of you.
5. Quality Time
You need to spend lots and lots of quality time with your partner to feel loved.
Disclaimer: DO NOT confuse this with 'time.' Time and Quality Time are two different things. Some men... ahem... like you to be right at their side at all times, but it has nothing to do with spending quality time with you. This is common in controlling relationships.
Now that you have the gist of it, go to http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ to learn your language!
The premise of this book is not incredibly profound, but simple. The generalization of this book is that there are five 'spoken' love languages, and we each give and receive love in one or two prominent languages. The idea is helpful not only to understand how you receive love and why you may not feel 'loved' even though your man claims to 'love' you, but also to understand how to properly 'love' someone else who receives love in a different way. It doesn't mean that you have to learn to accept love in different ways (which most men will try to convince you of - e.g. 'I'm not good with my feelings, just accept that I can't talk about it'), it's more about learning how to give love in a way that your partner recognizes it. And your partner has to do the same! So here are the languages:
1. Verbal Affirmation
You need to be told frequently how much your partner adores you and loves you. [Insert starstruck face here].
2. Physical Touch
You love to be hugged, cuddled, kissed, etc.
3. Small Acts of Kindness
You feel special when your partner changes your oil, folds the laundry, or cleans the litter box.
4. Gifts
You love receiving gifts, whether they be large or small. To you it's proof that your significant other was thinking of you.
5. Quality Time
You need to spend lots and lots of quality time with your partner to feel loved.
Disclaimer: DO NOT confuse this with 'time.' Time and Quality Time are two different things. Some men... ahem... like you to be right at their side at all times, but it has nothing to do with spending quality time with you. This is common in controlling relationships.
Now that you have the gist of it, go to http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ to learn your language!
One-Liners and Other Favorite Quotes
Don't be afraid of becoming a better version of yourself.
We all have our issues. And sometimes... *gasp*... we do have to look in the mirror and admit that we're enablers, we're afraid, we're lonely, we need more, and we deserve more. Unfortunately, change isn't gonna come without a little work, but change is not in any way, shape, or form impossible or unbearable. Become the best version of yourself for YOUR sake. Others will benefit without any additional work on your part... that's assuming you think anyone deserves the best You.
You can't blame yourself for not being 'the one' for every man.
And by the way, the fact that he thinks/says you're 'the one' doesn't mean he's the one for you. Generally, if you don't feel like 'the one,' it's because he's not treating you like 'the one,' and that's your cue to hit the trail.
"Even a great horse can't wear two saddles." - Unknown
This is an ode to single moms. Moms, don't be wondering why you're not amazing at everything. You can't be. And those who look like they've got it under control are on dangerously high levels of anti-depressants, and their children are addicted to sleep aids. Trust me. ;) So eat pizza, do your laundry next week, and only attempt to do what is within your physical and emotional limits.
"If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough." - Dan Shipper
It's true. If you fail at something, don't feel bad. If you never fail, you're only doing what's easy, and what's easy doesn't generate growth. But if you're constantly failing...
Don't keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
That, my friends, is the definition of insanity. If you repeatedly fail at something, it doesn't mean you have to give up. It means you need a different approach. Even small changes can produce great results. (Although sometimes life requires a complete 360 and a fresh start). And remember, with the right mental commentary, the right support, and some balls, you can do anything. It's not about waiting for the storm to pass, but about learning to dance in the rain!!!
A man without an aspiration is a man without an identity.
'Nuff said.
Your reality is ONLY a reflection of your choices and your reactions to the choices made by others.
Don't ever blame someone else for your situation. No one is making you stay. You got yourself here, and by Golly, you're the only one who can change your life. Don't wait for someone to treat you the way you want to be treated, and don't wait to win the lottery. If you like where you are, you probably got yourself there (congrats!) If you don't like where you are, you probably got yourself there, too.
We all have our issues. And sometimes... *gasp*... we do have to look in the mirror and admit that we're enablers, we're afraid, we're lonely, we need more, and we deserve more. Unfortunately, change isn't gonna come without a little work, but change is not in any way, shape, or form impossible or unbearable. Become the best version of yourself for YOUR sake. Others will benefit without any additional work on your part... that's assuming you think anyone deserves the best You.
You can't blame yourself for not being 'the one' for every man.
And by the way, the fact that he thinks/says you're 'the one' doesn't mean he's the one for you. Generally, if you don't feel like 'the one,' it's because he's not treating you like 'the one,' and that's your cue to hit the trail.
"Even a great horse can't wear two saddles." - Unknown
This is an ode to single moms. Moms, don't be wondering why you're not amazing at everything. You can't be. And those who look like they've got it under control are on dangerously high levels of anti-depressants, and their children are addicted to sleep aids. Trust me. ;) So eat pizza, do your laundry next week, and only attempt to do what is within your physical and emotional limits.
"If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough." - Dan Shipper
It's true. If you fail at something, don't feel bad. If you never fail, you're only doing what's easy, and what's easy doesn't generate growth. But if you're constantly failing...
Don't keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
That, my friends, is the definition of insanity. If you repeatedly fail at something, it doesn't mean you have to give up. It means you need a different approach. Even small changes can produce great results. (Although sometimes life requires a complete 360 and a fresh start). And remember, with the right mental commentary, the right support, and some balls, you can do anything. It's not about waiting for the storm to pass, but about learning to dance in the rain!!!
A man without an aspiration is a man without an identity.
'Nuff said.
Your reality is ONLY a reflection of your choices and your reactions to the choices made by others.
Don't ever blame someone else for your situation. No one is making you stay. You got yourself here, and by Golly, you're the only one who can change your life. Don't wait for someone to treat you the way you want to be treated, and don't wait to win the lottery. If you like where you are, you probably got yourself there (congrats!) If you don't like where you are, you probably got yourself there, too.
Friday, April 27, 2012
The Checklist
Every girl's gotta have a list of what she does and doesn't want. How else will you know if you've struck gold or oil? Well, here's a convenient, left-brained way to analyze your personal collection of Not-so-Charming Princes... and your current significant other, if you feel he is worthy of your harshest judgement. I like to keep a running list of past significant others, simply because there sometimes is merit in comparison. You can't know good 'til you've known bad!... and vice versa.
Here's the part where ambiguity and tolerance come in. Based on my scorecard, it looks like the men I have dated have regressed in maturity, but advanced in most other categories. Does that mean you can have one or the other, but not both? So... I could have a faithful, family oriented man and a repressed stay-at-home life, or I could feel loved, balanced, and have all the freedom I wanted... while my man was out smashing mailboxes. Whaddaya think?! Winner, winner, chicken dinner?
Yeah, don't think so. But at least I can look back and say, 'Hey. Paul wasn't so bad. He couldn't hold a job, but at least he never cheated on me.' Or, 'Ryan wasn't so bad either. He was really supportive of my career goals... but only because he could/would not support a family and refused to leave his studio apartment.'
*Sigh*
You can't have it all, but I know for damn sure that it gets better than this!
Here's the part where ambiguity and tolerance come in. Based on my scorecard, it looks like the men I have dated have regressed in maturity, but advanced in most other categories. Does that mean you can have one or the other, but not both? So... I could have a faithful, family oriented man and a repressed stay-at-home life, or I could feel loved, balanced, and have all the freedom I wanted... while my man was out smashing mailboxes. Whaddaya think?! Winner, winner, chicken dinner?
Yeah, don't think so. But at least I can look back and say, 'Hey. Paul wasn't so bad. He couldn't hold a job, but at least he never cheated on me.' Or, 'Ryan wasn't so bad either. He was really supportive of my career goals... but only because he could/would not support a family and refused to leave his studio apartment.'
*Sigh*
You can't have it all, but I know for damn sure that it gets better than this!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Introduction - Part 1
Well, bitches, here it is. It's been said before and it's gonna be said again - Breaking up is hard to do. But with the right support, the right mental commentary, and some balls, you can do it! You can break up with the immature/unavailable/stubborn/careless/(and I could go on all night) asshole who's been plaguing you for too long. Even if you're still uncertain... don't worry, I'll talk you into it eventually. *wink*
Now don't get me wrong, I am all for healthy, fulfilling relationships. But come on! How often do those come along?! We're far more likely to date Mr. Wrong (see traits above) for no other reason than to list 'In a relationship' on our Facebook. We're too nice, we're afraid of being alone or rejected by someone new, and dammit, it's in our nature to fulfill others! 'What the hell is wrong with me?!' you might ask. And ya know, that used to be the question. That is, until we came up with a more realistic question:
What the hell is wrong with HIM??
More than likely, almost everything is wrong with him, if you step back far enough. So stop smudging over his bad traits with the once-in-the-relationship time he opened your car door, stop justifying his poor behavior to your friends, and break it off already! We're here to help you decide whether he's worth your time and efforts, or if he needs a one-way ticket to Hell. More often than not, it's option B.
So let's laugh about it! Let's laugh about him and his flaws, and move on to the next circus act in line.
Now don't get me wrong, I am all for healthy, fulfilling relationships. But come on! How often do those come along?! We're far more likely to date Mr. Wrong (see traits above) for no other reason than to list 'In a relationship' on our Facebook. We're too nice, we're afraid of being alone or rejected by someone new, and dammit, it's in our nature to fulfill others! 'What the hell is wrong with me?!' you might ask. And ya know, that used to be the question. That is, until we came up with a more realistic question:
What the hell is wrong with HIM??
More than likely, almost everything is wrong with him, if you step back far enough. So stop smudging over his bad traits with the once-in-the-relationship time he opened your car door, stop justifying his poor behavior to your friends, and break it off already! We're here to help you decide whether he's worth your time and efforts, or if he needs a one-way ticket to Hell. More often than not, it's option B.
So let's laugh about it! Let's laugh about him and his flaws, and move on to the next circus act in line.
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