People Pleasing At Its Finest

I started writing this post about a month ago, was never able to finish it, and then ended up editing and writing in an entirely different direction. So it may seem a little disparate, but I think you will get my drift.

12/13/13

God, I am sick of myself today. I will give myself some credit... I have come a long way in the last three years. But Good Lord, people. I need to admit something... to get help with it.. and to stop it from EVER happening again.

I'm a people pleaser.

I'm starting to understand how this happens. I read this article about people pleasing, and I can honestly say that I don't relate to a lot of it, but I do relate to some. I am very explicit in my expectations, I take good care of myself and my life, I set and reach personal goals regularly, etc, etc. But the aftermath remains.

I fail to enforce my expectations, so I end up in relationships situations I don't want to be in. This is an everlasting issue, and in relationships, I am always wondering what the hell I did that made it appear I was committed, when in fact I was only interested. And the next thing I know I'm introduced as his 'girlfriend', I try to have 'the talk' where I back away because I'm not committed, his feelings get hurt, shortly after 'the talk' I'm accused of cheating, and it just builds from there.

But it IS my own fault. I am still afraid of enforcing my expectations, and I'm afraid of hurting others' feelings, so I allow myself to feel trapped. I'm afraid that others will think that my need for several months of 'dating' before entering 'relationship' status is too much. I'm afraid that they won't wait.

I'm a monogamous person by nature. When I'm interested in someone, I only have eyes for him. But it seems that men are not so much that way, and get bored with the idea of waiting for me to get attached.

I HATE it when a guy says 'Well, I mean, at this point I sure hope you're not interested in anyone else'.. because this is the line that makes me feel guilty for having my eyes open. I have to stop letting the guilt get to me. I have to find a way to say that I'm not there yet, I don't know if I like you enough yet to consider you my boyfriend, I don't know you well enough to stop looking, or hell, maybe I'm already uninterested in moving any further. Most of the time the hang-up is that I just don't know him well enough yet.

Not surprisingly, the people pleaser in me isn't only recognizable in relationships with men. It shows up in friendships, at work, and even in my role as a parent to some degree.

1/31/14

Let's get back to Brian, the narcissist. 

I have allowed that manipulative friendship to continue far too long. Even though I removed myself from the relationship long ago, I was hot and cold about allowing contact between us to continue, and every time I hear from him, I feel trapped, guilty, etc. I ended the relationship on the basis that I, a recovering codependent, was losing myself to someone who tried desperately to break me even further. But I allowed a friendship to continue. Stupid, stupid.

I think I finally figured out why I've had such difficulty ending things. I've been afraid of hurting his feelings. He is such a broken person inside, and I haven't wanted to break him further. But I haven't really wanted him to keep false hope for me either, and I have hurt myself and others in the meantime. I would like nothing more than to see him happy as a clam without me, but I have to be the one to make the clean break, because he never will. He is a hoarder, among other things. And I have to admit that allowing the friendship to continue has probably led him on. Not because I love having the back-up-plan, puppy-dog, will-wait-for-me-forever guy in my life, but because I have been afraid of hurting him.

The fact is, he had two whole years to recognize his part in our demise, as well as the demise of every other short-lived relationship he has been in. He refuses to get help, and that is something I can't fix, nor do I care about at this point.

A truly wonderful guy opened my eyes yesterday. I realize that I can't hide from my past (which I have allowed to be my present), I can't compartmentalize aspects of my life anymore. The more I try to maintain conflicting aspects of my life, the more deceitful I become. Not only to others, but to myself. These are traits of a narcissist.

We all know that the ability to love others starts with loving ourselves. Easier said than done, eh?

I feel like I took one step forward and three steps back in my healing process. I need to figure out what is truly important to me. Not traits in others, but traits in myself. What kind of person do I want to be? Maybe, as Mr. Wonderful told me yesterday, accepting the person I'm not has been the struggle all along. I know my personality well, I just need to accept myself and my expectations.

I need to stop the guilt. It's something that's deep-seated in me. Guilt about myself, my choices, my existence, my expectations, my needs, my feelings, my successes or lack thereof, my personality, and most of all, things that make me happy. It is SO hard for me to enforce things that feel right to me, and to stop things that feel wrong.

I have to learn to trust myself. Standing up to someone who demands I bow down is not enough. I need to stand up to myself and have a little more respect for myself. I feel vulnerable today. Ready to stop hiding from myself, but scared of what I'll find.