The Narcissist and the Codependent: A Tragedy

I finally put a name to this common cycle, so I have to write about it!

Once again, here's the link to the article that opened my eyes: Narcissism Understood.

As easy as it is to write a shopping list of all the things he has done wrong, it's more productive and fulfilling to pinpoint the cause of all the strange, mystifying behaviors. My personal narcissist is not near as bad as some mentioned in this article, but he is bad enough for me to run away screaming. 

(This post is the gist of the information from the article linked above. It's a long article, so I'm just whittling it down to key points).

Before I write down his traits though, let's define narcissism. In a nutshell, it's what happens when a person doesn't like himself so much that he banishes his 'true self' to permanent hiding inside a thick shell. He will create and worship a false identity for himself that, to him, is more tolerable. A narcissist appears to adore himself and gives you that 'too good to be true' feeling so commonly felt before a roller coaster of emotions.

The sad part is, false identities do not have feelings. They are fake and, in general, man-made things do not possess emotions. The whole purpose of this false identity is to be able to function without emotion. To be a functioning member of society without pain. Generally narcissists have experienced so much emotional confusion or pain as a child that they literally shut down. 

I've seen a ton of articles claiming that narcissists cannot change, but I don't believe that's the case. I do believe, however, that they will NOT change unless they want to, and that for most of us, it's safest to avoid intimate relationships. We sometimes become narcissists ourselves as a defense against their pain. Unfortunately, treating them as they treat us does not 'teach' them anything, it only adds to their self-loathing. As much as we want to squash/humiliate/cut this person as deep as they have cut us, it will not help. Criticism and abandonment only strengthen the shell. So who the hell should be there to support them on their journey through healing? That's a question we each have to answer for ourselves.

This is How I Recognized My Narcissist:

• Most narcissists aren’t in therapy, and even if they are, may not be diagnosed as NPD. Psychologists freely admit this, as well as the frustration and impossibility of working effectively with NPD’s.

• By definition, narcissists severely lack humility and will avoid admitting there’s something wrong with them at all costs.

• A narcissist feels terrorized at the thought of vulnerability (being emotionally honest), and develops a pathological false self to guard the unresolved emotional wounds.

• Narcissism is a condition of separation, distrust and ‘me versus you’. Such states make a relationship (which requires by definition: teamwork, trust and co-operation) impossible to sustain.

• Have you loved a person who is never wrong, never sorry and believes it is always someone else’s fault? Have you ever experienced an individual who’s non-accountable for their behavior and doesn't learn despite the mayhem and pain they produce? Have you witnessed an individual who has no tolerance for the slightest criticism, even when given constructive advice?

• Mundane tasks that don’t offer narcissistic supply are avoided and even resented. - house cleaning and relationship maintenance for Brian.

• The classic bully is an archetype of the narcissist. The bully is a person who takes their own needs primarily by charm or intimidation. To the outer world this person may appear incredibly assertive, confident, charismatic, powerful and self-assured. Nothing could be further from the truth.

• Narcissism is a grave condition of insecurity and desperately feeling unloved and unacceptable. An individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder inherently believes they are ‘damaged goods’ and fears other individuals will discover the truth: that they feel powerless. Thus the narcissist invests a great deal of energy into ‘gaining the upper hand’, to hide feeling vulnerable, insecure and broken. When they are getting what they want, the charm is flowing and plentiful. When the charm doesn't work the intimidation begins. Narcissism is categorised as an unhealthy level of self-absorption and a lack of empathy regarding how their insecure, aggressive and damaging behavior affects the world around them.
• In the myth of Narcissus, the hero fell in love with his own reflection. On the surface it may seem he was madly in love with himself. But look deeper. He was in love with his reflection. This reflection was not his true self. The very fact he fell in love with the illusionary part of himself meant he was not capable of loving his true self. To escape these disowned ‘unacceptable’ parts a narcissist scripts and creates an image of himself that he can tolerate.

• This image is a grandiose version, a version of him that is admired, adored and respected by and in control of others. He needs to be unique and he hates to be one of the crowd or ‘normal’.

No matter what the outer world initially sees, the narcissist’s depth of empathy and support is sadly non-existent, If there is no ‘pay off’ of constant admiration, his support towards you (which was initially over-the-top plentiful) becomes unavailable. In fact the narcissist has to spend so much energy mining attention for himself, He doesn't have the resources to give genuinely (without agenda) to others. He can't offer resources that do not exist.

This information put an instant end to my tears and pain. It's not about me, it's about him and his pain. He doesn't understand what he's doing. When I stopped taking it personally, I stopped crying and realized I did the right thing by getting out before I, too, was broken.

This is How I Recognized Myself:

• If you’re in a relationship with a true narcissist, by the time the personality disorder is obvious, you’re hooked, empty and exhausted (it happens bit by bit without you realising) and powerless to create boundaries and protect yourself.

• Sadly, when many women realise that the narcissist is insecure and isn’t reassured, she’ll try harder to love him. Additionally he’ll blame his behaviour on something that you are or aren’t doing, and as women we may try to ‘do it better’ or ‘get it right’. Your increased efforts to love him and make him happy only lines you up for more abuse.

• They will tolerate being damaged and feel sorry for the other person, yet in reality co-dependents are terrified about laying boundaries and taking control of their own lives. Boundary function is imperative protection against a narcissistic individual. Co-dependents love so much it hurts; whereas their self-development lies in learning to love themselves enough to stop the pain. When a co-dependent teams up with a narcissist (and many do) they will have their scant boundaries disintegrated and end up tolerating behaviour and abuse that they never thought they would. They will try again and again to prove their love, devotion and loyalty to the narcissist, all the way to their self-demise.

Even back in my marriage, I could not place the constant feeling that 'if he does this, I will feel better.' Yet no matter what he did, I was not happy. (There as also the fact that he wouldn't work, wouldn't help with kids/house/whatever and still wanted me at his beck and call). I needed to stop being a control freak and set boundaries. My ex husband has serious confidence issues, and I became his abuser every time I got 'good' at something or was progressing in life. I was happier with my own confidence, but upset by his need to control every time something was going right for me. He sees it exactly opposite... every time he started to feel good about himself and life, I went along and did something to ruin it for him (got a job, started school, was good at something). His source was dry and he went psycho control freak. I really do believe that I trained my ex-husband to act the way he did. I allowed him to be extremely lazy, as it allowed me to be in control... however out of control I was.

I've realized that rather than fix everyone around me, I need to fix myself and stop surrounding myself with other codependents or narcissists. I have to end this pattern! Once and for ALL! 

I'm ready for love. After a full of year of counseling, I have admitted to myself that I want to be accepted, I want to be loved and wanted, and I need attention. The problem with narcissists is they try to convince you that your basic needs are too much to ask, and you go crazy trying to figure out how to do it 'right' and make your partner happy enough to love you back. How about making yourself happy?? In reality, the narcissist has the same needs, but will not allow them to be fulfilled, because he is unable to allow them to exist in the first place. 

We have to accept that we have realistic needs. I know I am strong enough to never again allow an inferiority complex or a narcissist to convince me that I'm asking too much. But I have to learn to love myself just a little more, so I can be confident and single without being detached or depressed, and to let myself fall when I find what I need. I need to learn to trust and respect men again. I had a good start about a year ago, but I know I'm not where I need to be to be successful in a relationship. But I'm learning. :)