This Is What I Needed All Along

A few months ago I did something I thought I would never do.

Remember how I knew exactly - like, down to a tee and a precise list - what I wanted in a man. Right??

Well, like my grandpa always says... You can Want in one hand and Shit in the other and see which gets full faster. 

So, I went about my normal routine. I dated very aggressively until I found someone who was exactly what I wanted, and blah blah blah... it ended poorly, etc, etc...

No... Wait... that's not actually what happened. 

This is the part where I did something I thought I would never do. Before I went out to date again, I changed my Man Filter. I decided that looking for what I wanted hadn't worked out in the past, so I decided to broaden my horizons and be a little less specific about required job history, hobbies, education history, etc. I started about my normal routine, and I dated very aggressively until I found someone who was exactly what I needed. 

And let me tell you what a difference it has made. It makes me sad to realize how little I knew about myself, or wanted to know about myself before I met him. He has opened my eyes to my deepest secrets - the parts of myself that have limited me for years. And he's lovingly forcing me to fix them. 

I'll be in tears if I go into too much detail, but I will give you a glimpse into my perfect life. 

6:05 Alarm goes off and I get up to shower.

6:20 'Honey, do you want coffee or tea?' he asks through the bathroom door.

6:45 'Morning, Beautiful' he says as he hugs me tight and kisses my forehead. 'Breakfast is on the table.'

I proceed with my day, get my kids ready for school, my man goes to work, I go to work. 

Disaster strikes throughout the week, of course. I get sad, stressed, overwhelmed, and he is by my side every step of the way. When I am upset and want to hold it in, he forces me to talk about it. He tells me the eye-opening things that I tell other people. He forces me to face my fears about myself, and reminds me that I am wonderful, in spite of my self-proclaimed inadequacies.

It's like he wants to hear about my bad days and the things that stress me out or make me sad. Only it's not just like that, he really does want to hear it. He has proven through his actions that he is going to be there for me. I have someone to talk to at my convenience. When I need someone, he is there. Not just when he feels like hearing it or when he's in a good enough mood not to mock me. 

It feels right. He talks about our future, and has done so from about a week in. There is no commitment phobia whatsoever in this relationship. No insecurity, no control. Just partnership, friendship, and love. 

As it turns out, those three things are the things I needed most. To not wonder if this person is going to be with me or against me today, or when we're going to break up. To not feel overwhelmed by being the only adult in the house. To trust and have faith in something.

To trust. That's it right there. Trusting that someone loves me and is on my side. All the time. I really can't get over that or say it enough. I can't believe it.

Don't get me wrong... we have arguments, we both get in bad moods where it seems neither of us can win, but we always work it out. We've been going strong for a few months now and I can't wait to see what the future holds. <3

Edited to add:
Wow. Strange things happen when your mind is ready to accept them. (Think of noticing blue cars everywhere when you buy a blue car.) I found an article on The Good Men Project that perfectly describes my current relationship. It is so accurate it's scary. And so true! Please read this article and start looking for the signs that you're in a healthy relationship!

Song Of The Week

God, I love these guys. :)

Defining Boundaries

Now that I'm onto Step 2 of my journey to happiness - Finding the RIGHT relationship - it's time to define what it is that I'm looking for. After all, you'll never find what you want if you don't know what you're looking for!

I chat with my bosses often about marriage and relationships, and I've come to terms with the fact that everybody needs something different. I, for one, could never be happy with a man who had no aspirations, hobbies, or no personal goals. I don't want to be anyone's reason for living or source of entertainment. I realize that sounds selfish and conceited, but in my mind, a man without an aspiration is a man without an identity. Words to live by, folks. I'll add that to my list of Favorite Quotes and One-Liners.

Then there's my boss, who is married to a woman who has done nothing but stay home with the kids. She's not particularly supportive or helpful with her husband's goals, but she lets him do his thing and she doesn't ask for much. My other boss is married to a woman who has spent her marriage building her husband's business, helping out and encouraging in any way she can. His success and happiness are her hobbies.

There are a few things that I know I don't and will never tolerate.. isn't it funny how it's so much easier to make a list of things we don't want than a list of things we do want?

For example, I will never be happy with a porn addict (more to come on that later). I will never be happy with an inferiority complex, a controlling personality, a 'good enough' personality, or an insecure person.

But what could make me happy and fulfilled? I will write a list, sparing you the weighted averages.

My significant other must...

... be forward and blunt. I prefer honest, aggressive personalities. 

... be smart. I love intellectual conversation!

... take care of himself.

... be passionate.

... be spontaneous.

... be open about his feelings.

... be independent.

I'll be honest, I haven't been great about enforcing my expectations in the past. But it's something that has GOT to happen for any relationship to flourish. If I find a guy who doesn't have even half of these qualities, but thinks I'm perfect for him, I need to be honest about my feelings. I need to trust myself enough to know that as much as he argues that he is truly wonderful (and maybe he is perfect for someone else), he is not what I'm looking for.

Being honest with yourself about your expectations and limits is Step #1 to getting into the right relationship. I feel like I need to chant these words to myself daily for them to sink in.

My opinions matter.
My feelings matter.
I know what I want.
I know what works for me... and what doesn't.

Frankly, no one has the right to try to convince me otherwise. No one has the right to tell me what I should tolerate. Right?? But all too often, we give others the rights to our limits, simply by keeping silent. And I'm saying right now: knock that shit off. Respect yourself enough to say No when it feels wrong, and Go For It when it feels right.

I'll admit it, I hate whining. I hate salespeople. And every single time I start to stand up for myself and my feelings, these are the responses I am met with. Whining, guilt-tripping, convincing, and more whining. These are my weak spots. These are the things I cave to just so I don't have to listen to them anymore. But I'm putting an end to it. I have a new zero-tolerance policy for whining. I am learning to tune it out. Tune the garbage out.

Make your own zero-tolerance policy for things that don't work for you.

'Cause here's the scoop:

If you ever find yourself so deep in a miserable relationship, so entrenched in someone else's life or grasp that you can no longer breathe or care about yourself... you have no one to blame but yourself. Your reality is ONLY a reflection of your choices, and your reactions to the choices made by others. (Unless you are ill outside your control, of course.) Wherever you are right now, today, it's a result of YOU. Never forget that. Never blame someone else for your situation. If you can't get out of a bad situation, it's because YOU can't get out. Not because someone is forcing you to stay.

So define some boundaries already! Get to know your unique self and what YOU want in life, then make it happen. Go for what YOU want. Don't become a victim of what someone else wants for you. Gain an identity and take control over your life and your happiness. And most importantly, trust that your thoughts matter. Because they do. 

A Silent Struggle

Today I'm posting something deeply personal that's been 'on my mind' a lot the past few days... no pun intended.

About six weeks ago I was having a particularly fantastic day at work, feeling rather stress-free for the first time in months. Then, literally 30 seconds after happily delivering a set of finished drawings to my boss, our secretary found me sprawled out over my desk, unresponsive. When I came to, my memory of the previous two months or so was completely gone, and still is.

(On a side note, my back has ached, and weakness and numbness in my left side have been coming and going for about ten weeks now.)

I went to the hospital in an ambulance, where I underwent numerous tests, and was eventually sent home with orders to 'take it easy.' I went to the University of Utah the following week to see my neurosurgeon (remember, I have a Type I Arnold Chiari Malformation, Syringomyelia (Ser-INGO-my-EE-lee-uh), scoliosis, and tons of nerve damage), where I was told that my brain and spinal cord look fine, and I am suffering from stress-related memory loss caused by a silent migraine.

Stress. Related. Memory Loss.

Silent Migraine.

In case you're wondering, a silent migraine is a migraine without the pain. Imagine having extreme fatigue, light sensitivity, exhaustion, nausea, dizziness, ear pressure, throbbing in the brain, etc, but no pain.

It took me a good month to retain memories from the day before. I still remember very little from the month of February. I ended up dropping a class because I could not retain the material to save my life. Every day I woke up with no recollection of ever attending the class, but had a notebook full of notes to prove otherwise.

The past two weeks have been wonderful. I finally started to feel like myself again. Could finally think like an engineer again, and could retain material and focus again.

Life was really wonderful until last Friday. I had spent Wednesday and Thursday working feverishly on projects and studying for an exam, excited for better grades. But Friday afternoon came around and my brain slowed down again, and I have been unable to focus since then. I had a good, productive day at work today, but work seems like the only thing I can focus on right now. That's probably a good thing, since someone has to pay the bills around here. But the rest of my life is suffering.

I'm distracted, anxious, foggy, forgetful, and zoned out of reality. My ears hurt, I have light sensitivity, little appetite, my back aches, my digestive tract is on the fritz, and I'm nauseous. I feel stupid. Things that I used to do so quickly and easily now literally take me hours. My thought processes have slowed considerably. And I'm not sleeping well. I feel like sleeping a lot, but I haven't had quality sleep in a couple weeks. I can't relax.

My least favorite part about the whole thing is when people tell me 'You've made a full recovery! You look great!' But I don't feel great. I feel like shit. I feel like a train hit me and I'm under permanent anesthesia. I'm immensely stressed about school because I know I can't handle much more school+work+kids, but I also couldn't handle all my classes. I literally can't push myself so hard anymore. On the days I've forced myself to do a lot, my memory is gone the following day. Pushing myself and over-exerting my brain isn't helping. I can't just study harder. Work harder. Not like I used to.

I feel like life has a sign in front of me that says STOP. No matter what I do right now, my body and mind will NOT allow me to work too hard. I have to wait for my mind to be ready. It sucks. I'm so used to forcing myself to do what needs to be done, but whatever crutch I had holding my body up is now broken. Something in my mind is broken. Maybe permanently. Maybe just until I graduate and have one less thing to stress me out.

All I want is to hit the Undo button and go back to early February. I can't even remember my birthday. I'm feeling very empathetic right now for people who suffer with mental illness. People who feel crazy, anxious, foggy, stupid... but appear normal. Even people who don't appear normal. My mind hurts from the stress and from trying desperately to see through the fog.

My heart goes out to all of you fighting to see through the fog. <3 <3

People Pleasing At Its Finest

I started writing this post about a month ago, was never able to finish it, and then ended up editing and writing in an entirely different direction. So it may seem a little disparate, but I think you will get my drift.

12/13/13

God, I am sick of myself today. I will give myself some credit... I have come a long way in the last three years. But Good Lord, people. I need to admit something... to get help with it.. and to stop it from EVER happening again.

I'm a people pleaser.

I'm starting to understand how this happens. I read this article about people pleasing, and I can honestly say that I don't relate to a lot of it, but I do relate to some. I am very explicit in my expectations, I take good care of myself and my life, I set and reach personal goals regularly, etc, etc. But the aftermath remains.

I fail to enforce my expectations, so I end up in relationships situations I don't want to be in. This is an everlasting issue, and in relationships, I am always wondering what the hell I did that made it appear I was committed, when in fact I was only interested. And the next thing I know I'm introduced as his 'girlfriend', I try to have 'the talk' where I back away because I'm not committed, his feelings get hurt, shortly after 'the talk' I'm accused of cheating, and it just builds from there.

But it IS my own fault. I am still afraid of enforcing my expectations, and I'm afraid of hurting others' feelings, so I allow myself to feel trapped. I'm afraid that others will think that my need for several months of 'dating' before entering 'relationship' status is too much. I'm afraid that they won't wait.

I'm a monogamous person by nature. When I'm interested in someone, I only have eyes for him. But it seems that men are not so much that way, and get bored with the idea of waiting for me to get attached.

I HATE it when a guy says 'Well, I mean, at this point I sure hope you're not interested in anyone else'.. because this is the line that makes me feel guilty for having my eyes open. I have to stop letting the guilt get to me. I have to find a way to say that I'm not there yet, I don't know if I like you enough yet to consider you my boyfriend, I don't know you well enough to stop looking, or hell, maybe I'm already uninterested in moving any further. Most of the time the hang-up is that I just don't know him well enough yet.

Not surprisingly, the people pleaser in me isn't only recognizable in relationships with men. It shows up in friendships, at work, and even in my role as a parent to some degree.

1/31/14

Let's get back to Brian, the narcissist. 

I have allowed that manipulative friendship to continue far too long. Even though I removed myself from the relationship long ago, I was hot and cold about allowing contact between us to continue, and every time I hear from him, I feel trapped, guilty, etc. I ended the relationship on the basis that I, a recovering codependent, was losing myself to someone who tried desperately to break me even further. But I allowed a friendship to continue. Stupid, stupid.

I think I finally figured out why I've had such difficulty ending things. I've been afraid of hurting his feelings. He is such a broken person inside, and I haven't wanted to break him further. But I haven't really wanted him to keep false hope for me either, and I have hurt myself and others in the meantime. I would like nothing more than to see him happy as a clam without me, but I have to be the one to make the clean break, because he never will. He is a hoarder, among other things. And I have to admit that allowing the friendship to continue has probably led him on. Not because I love having the back-up-plan, puppy-dog, will-wait-for-me-forever guy in my life, but because I have been afraid of hurting him.

The fact is, he had two whole years to recognize his part in our demise, as well as the demise of every other short-lived relationship he has been in. He refuses to get help, and that is something I can't fix, nor do I care about at this point.

A truly wonderful guy opened my eyes yesterday. I realize that I can't hide from my past (which I have allowed to be my present), I can't compartmentalize aspects of my life anymore. The more I try to maintain conflicting aspects of my life, the more deceitful I become. Not only to others, but to myself. These are traits of a narcissist.

We all know that the ability to love others starts with loving ourselves. Easier said than done, eh?

I feel like I took one step forward and three steps back in my healing process. I need to figure out what is truly important to me. Not traits in others, but traits in myself. What kind of person do I want to be? Maybe, as Mr. Wonderful told me yesterday, accepting the person I'm not has been the struggle all along. I know my personality well, I just need to accept myself and my expectations.

I need to stop the guilt. It's something that's deep-seated in me. Guilt about myself, my choices, my existence, my expectations, my needs, my feelings, my successes or lack thereof, my personality, and most of all, things that make me happy. It is SO hard for me to enforce things that feel right to me, and to stop things that feel wrong.

I have to learn to trust myself. Standing up to someone who demands I bow down is not enough. I need to stand up to myself and have a little more respect for myself. I feel vulnerable today. Ready to stop hiding from myself, but scared of what I'll find.