I'm writing you all from a bedroom normally occupied by two girls, ages 5 and 3. A Justin Bieber poster sits to my right and a pink castle tent is to my left. Why am I here you ask? Well the joy, my friends, is in the journey. I needed to get out of town, I needed a break, I needed to de-stress and unwind. I got in a fender bender earlier this week, I've been scraping by trying to pay the bills, the rent and work. I've been exhausted from a seven year battle over my son, with my ex-husband. Trying to keep my head above water, trying to put my brave face on, trying to breathe. All of the chaos surrounding me was a sign that I needed to exit life, only if momentarily. I needed a change of scenery, a break in my day to day routine. You know that saying be careful what you wish for? Well, that certainly applies.
So there I am, ipod blaring, sun roof open, flying down the freeway and all the sudden—I get a flat! So I pulled over and called a friend to walk me through changing my tire. Now I am no pansy when it comes to such things, I have changed tires before, just not on this particular vehicle. I am huffing and puffing my way through the change, and two nice men stopped to help this damsel in distress. We unloaded the spare, finished unscrewing the lug nuts and went to put the spare on when we discovered that viola'! My spare was also flat. So I called my insurance for roadside assistance, a coverage I had the foresight to pay for. I wait on the phone for a good thirty minutes to get an actual human to talk to. This someone was a foreigner, who didn't comprehend what part of the state I was actually in. He kept asking me questions I didn't know the answer to like where I wanted to be towed to. An actual address! I thought Hell if I know dude! I am off the interstate past this exit, mile marker 26, can you help me or not? Honestly! After this point I was so exasperated I told him I would find my own damn tow truck and hitch hike back into town if I had too. Utter ridiculousness!!! I could not believe my luck. Finally Brian, a very nice man, married four times, with cobalt blue eyes, came with his rig to save the day. My son and I climbed up into his rig and rode to the next town where he had a shop and was able to fix my flat. I of course had to empty my wallet and fork over a good chunk of change, and with a sigh thought to myself, I guess there will be no retail therapy on this trip!
The girlfriend I had come to stay with while running away is Hillary. Hillary and I have been members of the Single Mom's Club for quite a few years. We both married cheaters, and our sons are a year apart. Hillary is my cousins best friend. We met in our teenage years when my cousin came to visit her and stayed at my house. Hillary has not had an easy life by any means. When she was around 21 she was in an awful collision that nearly ended her life. She had to start over from scratch, learn to walk and talk again. Shortly after my divorce she relocated to my home town to attend a college there, because she was going back to school after her own divorce. I remember nights staying up talking and laughing and sometimes crying. Hillary is like a sister and we can get on each other's nerves. No matter what though, she is there for me.
She momentarily exited the single Mom's Club and married spouse number 2. By all intents and purposes Husband number 2 seemed like a good idea at the time. He was pretty handsome, the physical attraction was strong, he has a son close in age to her son, had a nice house, made a decent living and seemed like a great catch. I attended the small wedding and was very happy that Hillary had found her prince charming. I was so, so wrong, and so was she. It's hard to pin point the exact moment when a marriage is doomed. If I had to pin point the exact moment for Hillary I am not sure what it would be. I do know that on their honeymoon he tried to change who she was, how she dressed and things about her that are perfectly fine. He wanted her to be a superficial supermodel type. Hillary has the body, but she is not high-maintenance. Hillary would rather plant a garden than get a pedicure, or shop for books, than shop for shoes. She is simplistic. She is stylish and she's no slouch, don't get me wrong. All of her stylish and athletic ways were simply overlooked by him. Spouse number 2 wanted her to wear trendy clothes—tighter shirts, low cut jeans, and she was perfectly content and quite attractive in her Levi 501's and her Old Navy t-shirt, thank you very much! Fast forward a few months later and Hillary had surgery on her nose. There she is trying to recuperate from an unexpected operation and her husband comes in expecting her to make dinner and telling her she's snoring. Wow! What a catch right? Sign me up for that guy! So a few years and 2 husbands later, Hillary and I remained friends. Last night after she met us at the towing company to make sure we were able to get to her house safely, by leading the way, Hillary is flying ahead of me. She is texting me calling me a 'Grandma Driver,' telling me to speed up. So I speed up, cause it's dark and I don't know where the hell we are! As soon as I speed up I see red and blue lights flashing in my rear view. I got pulled over, and through tears try in vein to explain to the officer that I have had one of the worst nights of my life. He takes my information and runs a check on me. Luckily I have not killed anyone or laundered money so I know I'm good there. He comes back to my window and hands me a speeding ticket saying "I hope you have a better weekend." Oh you too officer! Thank you so much! This will only add excitement to my life as I have to pay more for insurance because of the damn fender bender I was in this week! UGH! I bawled all the way to Hillary's house.
Now, I know that there are people out there who have it far worse than I. I know that there are burn victims, and cancer patients, and children starving in third world countries. Sometimes, I just need a break. I just need something to work! Anything! Luckily I slept like a baby at Hillary's and enjoyed a leisurely bath in her gigantic jetted tub. Things always look clearer when you're soaking in a jetted tub. As for the rest of my conundrum, I'll forge ahead, like I usually do. I'll find a way, like I always do, and I'll cry when I need to, thank you very much! One thing is for certain, no one can steal my joy any longer! I will fight to stay sane, and I will chose to be happy.
My Father had a quote on his mirror for most of his life that read: "We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy, the amount of work is the same." My Father was bi-polar and he fought his demons and atoned and worked harder than anyone I've ever known to get passed his mental illness, and stumbling block. He fell down, a lot, he struggled a lot, but he never quit trying. My mother and father separated the same year I married the mistake of my life, and they were separated for an entire year. I knew most of the reasons their marriage seemed doomed at the time because I witnessed most of them, even though they thought I couldn't see. My parents grew together and became closer than I think they had ever been in their some three decades together. My Father acknowledged his faults, my Mother acknowledged hers, and neither gave up on each other. Whether you are in a relationship, married, or going it alone; it takes work. So much work we question whether or not it's better to be working with someone or to be alone. Only you can answer that question for yourself.
Susan, that I mentioned in an earlier post, was sealed in the Latter Day Saint temple to her husband today, and that's what this trip—turned hellish adventure---was focused on. My whole goal was to get to the temple and take some photos for their special day. So did I make it there on time? No! Did we have lunch together and go back to the temple after for pictures? Yes! Did anyone care? Was anyone upset? Nope. Cause Susan and Brent are amazing! They are my heros and I hope to be just like them someday. They are a living breathing example that if you do the work, there are great rewards in store. Do you think going to school full time and sharing custody with two ex-spouses and 9 children is easy? No way! But they have made it all look like bliss. How? I'm not exactly sure, I'll have to get back to you on that one. I think they make it work because they love each other and understand the major challenges and road blocks and how to avoid the marriage pot holes and perils on the road to happiness.
I dated someone last summer that was not a good fit for me. He was divorced, with four children, he recently relocated back to the state and was in love with me. He was good looking, and caring, and at first won me over fairly easily. He got his old job back as a truck driver making decent money, but he didn't yet have a car or a residence. He would mostly live in his truck cause he drove across the United States, and occasionally with me. The shit hit the fan for so many reasons, and I didn't see a lot of them coming. Ya, laugh if you want to, but I thought he had such a good heart and a wise soul that it would make up for all that he lacked. Of course I was wrong, of course it ended in disaster, but I learned a few important lessons along the way. He and I talked a lot and I posed the question of: "How do we make this work." He simply answered saying that: "Things either work or they don't, you don't make them work." Well I am calling bull shit on that one. What do you possess in your life that "just works?" Does a garden just grow, or do you have to weed it? Does a car just run or do you have to maintain it? Does a house just function or do you have to keep up on repairs? Everything in this life is a gift. Waking up with enough air in your lungs to breathe, is a gift. Having a roof over your head, food in the fridge, hell, even having a fridge is a gift. We have to live in the moment because that is all any of us really has.
I talked at great lengths about this with my tow truck hero, Brian. He said that there are no guarantees in life, and I believe him, cause I know this to be true. Life is a gift and having someone to share that life with is a huge blessing, and a privilege, but it's not everything. I think I am so accustomed to heart break that I expected men to let me down, to hurt me, to abuse me in some way. What I found out along the way is that I put myself up there on the cross, and allowed them to crucify me. I have recently realized that I don't have to take their crap! I reached my bull shit quota a long time ago. I don't allow my son to disrespect me, I don't allow my employer to take advantage of me, I don't even take crap from the cranky clerk at the grocery store or the disgruntled driver impatiently passing me in the wrong lane. Um hello? That's what your middle finger is for. So why did I allow these men to treat me so badly, why did I think that's all I deserved?
It's taking me a long time to answer these questions, it's taken me nearly a decade to get to this place in life. I found out though, that we don't have to shrink in a garden so others can bloom around us. We don't have to stay back in the shadows so that others can feel the sun. We are all beautiful flowers and we are all striving desperately to bloom. We do have to do the work and water the garden, and weed, and fertilize, and sow seeds. We are both the gardener and the flower. I don't have all the answers, I just have a few things figured out. I love my life, even though it's never been easy, and probably never will be. It takes work, the ficade is lust. The ficade and the world will tell you that physical attraction is enough to build a relationship on, that's what matters. Reason will tell you (and I tend to agree) that youth fades, intimacy becomes less important , all the material possessions and money in the world cannot buy you love. You simply cannot replace the hand' that holds yours on your darkest day, or the kindness from a stranger in your deepest despair.
After my road trip from hell, and my stay with Hillary, I moved on to my stay with Angel. Angel has two beautiful daughters, one step daughter and a husband that adores her. None of that just happens. Angel works hard, she works seven days on, and seven off, she works from sun down to sun up. She loves her family with her life. She is always running around in cut-offs in the Summer, and hanging up stockings and baking cookies in the winter. She works, and she works, and she works. Angel learned a long time ago that hard work and dedication apply just as much outside the home as they do inside of it. She tells me I aml welcome here anytime, she picks up beer from the gas station and she hands me one. She overhears me singing lullabies to my son, soothing him to sleep. Angel understands that being a mother defines me, and I value the evenings spent singing softly to my son.
I have found that even when I am at my loneliest, I am never alone. Even when I am single that doesn't have to equal lonely. The hand you hold doesn't need to be the same hand that hits you. The mouth you kiss doesn't need to be the same mouth that degrades you. You don't even need a partner, all the time. You need, what we all need; to find yourself. You need to hold whomever close to you that loves you without condition or pause. Turn to your friends and family, turn to your children, turn to the heavens and wait. Persevere, grow. With just enough sunlight and just enough water you will bloom, brighter and bigger than you could have ever imagined. If you do the work, if you choose to bloom, if you want to work towards happiness, if you choose to find your own peace. I promise you will BLOOM, just you wait and see.
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