I'm on the pursuit of happiness, and I know
Everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it. I'll be good.
The last four six days have been so hard. Everything in this town feels like 'ours,' makes me anxious and sad to leave the house. I tried walking around the cemetery yesterday, one of the places my certain someone and I used to walk and explore in town. I felt so utterly lost and alone there. Nothing felt real or familiar. Tried to walk my neighborhood and even that invoked too much paranoia to stand. I turned back after only a block.
I'm trying to find things to look forward to, trying to make plans for my life, to focus on a goal. What things do I have control over? I reorganized my school schedule and found that even after failing a particularly hard class this spring, I can still easily finish my degree in two years. (I had thought I was put a year behind because of that class). So... school is what I have to look forward to. In two years, I will be getting back on my feet and deciding for myself where to live. There will be shiny things along my path, but not all of them are worth picking up. And I'll be fine when I get to the top of the hill. I'll be good.
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I wanted to add to what Jenn A posted here. I cannot tell you how much the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness" has meant to me in my life. If you haven't seen it, stop what you're doing right this second and rent it. Better yet, go to Amazon and BUY IT! You will not be dissapointed. Anyone who has ever went through a difficult life changing circumstance will tell you how they relate to this movie. You cannot fully understand it without watching it.
I saw this movie a year before my Father passed away. A year before all of the circumstances happened that I posted about in a previous post. We saw this movie as a family. So much has changed since than. I remember thinking I lived part of that story, and that no one fully understood why I did what I did to protect myself and my son, or why from an outsiders perspective it looked like chaos. No one can ever know the lengths we go to protect ourselves and our children, until we've lived that story, at least in part. If you have survived, and made it through to the happiness part, you know what I am talking about.
If you've chosen to be a survivor and not a victim, you know what I mean. The raw emotion and wrist-slitting honesty is an emotion you feel. Maybe your eyes become moist because you identify with a Father's struggle to protect himself and his son. Maybe you don't understand how you can fear so much, and still stay strong. Maybe you don't know where to start because you haven't made it through to the good parts yet. Maybe you don't know what to say. Maybe you just don't know. Maybe you just don't care. Maybe, all of these things are standing in your way. I understand, I know, I've been there and in some ways, I am still rebuilding my life. I don't have all the answers but I can tell you that I love my son. I love my life. I value others. I hope to find strength and renewed energy while taking others with me to the top. Not the bottom, not the floor where I've been so long in my life. Not down, down, down but up, up,up! Who is with me on the way to the top?!
~Overshared by Jenn B
__________________________________________________________________________________
I wanted to add to what Jenn A posted here. I cannot tell you how much the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness" has meant to me in my life. If you haven't seen it, stop what you're doing right this second and rent it. Better yet, go to Amazon and BUY IT! You will not be dissapointed. Anyone who has ever went through a difficult life changing circumstance will tell you how they relate to this movie. You cannot fully understand it without watching it.
I saw this movie a year before my Father passed away. A year before all of the circumstances happened that I posted about in a previous post. We saw this movie as a family. So much has changed since than. I remember thinking I lived part of that story, and that no one fully understood why I did what I did to protect myself and my son, or why from an outsiders perspective it looked like chaos. No one can ever know the lengths we go to protect ourselves and our children, until we've lived that story, at least in part. If you have survived, and made it through to the happiness part, you know what I am talking about.
If you've chosen to be a survivor and not a victim, you know what I mean. The raw emotion and wrist-slitting honesty is an emotion you feel. Maybe your eyes become moist because you identify with a Father's struggle to protect himself and his son. Maybe you don't understand how you can fear so much, and still stay strong. Maybe you don't know where to start because you haven't made it through to the good parts yet. Maybe you don't know what to say. Maybe you just don't know. Maybe you just don't care. Maybe, all of these things are standing in your way. I understand, I know, I've been there and in some ways, I am still rebuilding my life. I don't have all the answers but I can tell you that I love my son. I love my life. I value others. I hope to find strength and renewed energy while taking others with me to the top. Not the bottom, not the floor where I've been so long in my life. Not down, down, down but up, up,up! Who is with me on the way to the top?!
~Overshared by Jenn B
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