I Have A Confession...

I have been partially anorexic for about twelve years now. Ugh, I do NOT like the term anorexic. It gives me the willies and reminds me of Lifetime original movies.

Yesterday I was telling my doctor about my constant nausea. Ever since my brain surgeries I have been nauseous in the morning, but it's usually gone by ten o'clock or so. However, the past two weeks I have been too nauseous to eat, and have even thrown up a few times. 'Hmmm,' he says.

We started talking about my weight, about my thyroid, and about how most people don't worry when they drop a few pounds from nausea. He asked if my weight fluctuated at all at any time in my life, so I told him my story.

Ladies, I weigh 91 pounds soaking wet. I know that some of you will hate me for that, but remember, everyone is entitled to be unhappy with their own body! Most people think I can just eat whatever I want and stay thin, but it's not like that at all. I have trained myself to eat things that keep me thin. See the difference? I was the chubby one in the family growing up, but had skinny friends. I remember a girl in 4th grade telling me I had wide hips. Ha!! In 7th grade I was a size 7 (which is over average for a 5-footer like me) and weighed 135 pounds. So the summer after 7th grade I decided it was time for a diet. I basically starved myself and exercised constantly for six weeks, and I managed to lose a whopping 40 pounds. Yay, I was a size 0!! Woohoo!!

I cut out pop completely, and to this day only drink it when I have a migraine. This has been especially helpful, in that my belly went away instantly and nowadays the caffeine works almost instantly on my headache... my body isn't accustomed to it anymore. I taught myself to enjoy fruits and vegetables and healthy cooking, and now dislike the taste of fast food. I have always had so much will power inside me, and I have always been able to do whatever I gave myself permission to do. It took mental work, but the day I decided I wanted to change my body was the day I made it happen.

So the doctor asks, 'How often are you eating?'
Me: 'Once a day... sometimes.'
Doctor: 'Who said you can't eat?'
Me: 'Nobody?'
Doctor: 'Who told you to come here today?;
Me: 'Me?'
Doctor: 'So why don't you tell yourself that it's okay to eat?'

I thought about that on the way home, and by the time I got home my nausea was gone! I'm giving myself permission to eat foods that I don't particularly like, for the sake of gaining back ten pounds. I want those ten pounds back, I have wanted them back for a few years. And the only person who can gain them back is me.

Can I just say that I am absolutely amazed at the power of MIND power! I have control over my body, I just need to take it! And you can too!! Isn't there something you've always wanted to do, but YOU have been standing in your way? I can think of a handful of things off the top of my head, most of which I still need my permission to do. Maybe that will be another post. :)