Disclaimer: Just so everyone is clear on my stance, I do not, nor will I ever judge the severity of someone's gloom. We do NOT have the right to specify what does and does not make another person happy, and we do NOT reserve the right to specify the circumstances under which a person should stay in or leave a relationship. My posts include vague guidelines for keeping your sanity, your composure, and your identity only. *wink*
Anyway! A few months ago, my friend told her husband (we'll call him 'Tony') she wanted a separation, which he didn't agree to. Since then she started dating someone new - seriously dating or not, it doesn't matter because she had asked for a separation - and is now proceeding to file divorce papers. Not because of the new guy, but because she has realized that she doesn't miss Tony and no longer wants to be married.
Lia and Tony have a 2-year old daughter together and custody has been as stable as possible. Their family has been living in a small town, Tony working full time in town and Lia traveling 20 miles for school and her job in a bigger city; baby girl is in daycare full time. When the marriage began falling apart and Lia asked for a separation, she felt she had no choice but to leave their home. So she stayed at a friend's student apartment in the city and went back home each night to spend time with her daughter. Basically both parents spend an equal amount of 'awake' time with the daughter, she just happens to sleep at home with dad because daycare is nearby. Lia has since found her own apartment in the city and is keeping baby girl over night.
So last night Lia called in tears because Tony has scared her shitless. Apparently he came to the city to pick baby girl up for visitation, and threw a tantrum because Lia and baby were at the new boyfriend's apartment. Tony says she is cheating, selfish, tells her he is going to get full custody if she files divorce papers, etc.
Here's what I had to say about that: Lia asked for a separation. By definition, she is allowed to date who she wants, kiss who she wants, sleep with who she wants, and be temporarily single. The other half of the relationship does not have to, and usually will not, agree to the separation. But they don't have to agree for it to be binding, as long as she stated her desire for a break. No one needs permission to escape a relationship.
I must say that I admire Lia's honesty with Tony. She truly cares about the guy and has hid nothing from him. She told him about the new boyfriend, about his past, she tells Tony where she's staying and who she's staying with. Her greatest fear is that he has a case against her, that she will lose her daughter.
The truth is, Tony doesn't have a case against Lia. She is allowed to move on from him and their marriage. Tony's pride is hurt, and he has no way of justifying her leaving (and her getting over it) besides undermining her as a woman and as a parent.
Lia is exactly where I was 18 months ago in my marriage. She is brainwashed to believe that he is a good man, that he would never do any wrong, that he will understand why she's leaving and let her go. I told her to get a grip!!! He's a MAN! He will whine, piss and moan until the papers are signed by a judge. He is NOT going to be nice to her, and she has no reason to be nice to him. He will try to obtain full custody for no reason other than to protect his pride. She needs a clean break. She needs to be selfish and focus on her and baby girl's happiness. Tony will try to take her for everything she's got because he can't handle rejection by a smart, beautiful, talented, independent woman! He doesn't have the nuts to be with her.
So Fuck You, Tony. Fuck You.
Lia and Tony have a 2-year old daughter together and custody has been as stable as possible. Their family has been living in a small town, Tony working full time in town and Lia traveling 20 miles for school and her job in a bigger city; baby girl is in daycare full time. When the marriage began falling apart and Lia asked for a separation, she felt she had no choice but to leave their home. So she stayed at a friend's student apartment in the city and went back home each night to spend time with her daughter. Basically both parents spend an equal amount of 'awake' time with the daughter, she just happens to sleep at home with dad because daycare is nearby. Lia has since found her own apartment in the city and is keeping baby girl over night.
So last night Lia called in tears because Tony has scared her shitless. Apparently he came to the city to pick baby girl up for visitation, and threw a tantrum because Lia and baby were at the new boyfriend's apartment. Tony says she is cheating, selfish, tells her he is going to get full custody if she files divorce papers, etc.
Here's what I had to say about that: Lia asked for a separation. By definition, she is allowed to date who she wants, kiss who she wants, sleep with who she wants, and be temporarily single. The other half of the relationship does not have to, and usually will not, agree to the separation. But they don't have to agree for it to be binding, as long as she stated her desire for a break. No one needs permission to escape a relationship.
I must say that I admire Lia's honesty with Tony. She truly cares about the guy and has hid nothing from him. She told him about the new boyfriend, about his past, she tells Tony where she's staying and who she's staying with. Her greatest fear is that he has a case against her, that she will lose her daughter.
The truth is, Tony doesn't have a case against Lia. She is allowed to move on from him and their marriage. Tony's pride is hurt, and he has no way of justifying her leaving (and her getting over it) besides undermining her as a woman and as a parent.
Lia is exactly where I was 18 months ago in my marriage. She is brainwashed to believe that he is a good man, that he would never do any wrong, that he will understand why she's leaving and let her go. I told her to get a grip!!! He's a MAN! He will whine, piss and moan until the papers are signed by a judge. He is NOT going to be nice to her, and she has no reason to be nice to him. He will try to obtain full custody for no reason other than to protect his pride. She needs a clean break. She needs to be selfish and focus on her and baby girl's happiness. Tony will try to take her for everything she's got because he can't handle rejection by a smart, beautiful, talented, independent woman! He doesn't have the nuts to be with her.
So Fuck You, Tony. Fuck You.
P.S. I'd like to start a 'Fuck You' section of the blog where we can all scream derogatory comments about our worthless excuses for ex-husbands and -boyfriends. Anyone up for that??
I like that P.S. idea...I had one of those posts last year. It was very therapeutic and helped me release a lot of anger. I think it's healthy and also very helpful for healing. Great idea!
ReplyDeleteAs old fashion as I am not, she is treading on dangerous ground. She is going to have serious issues arise because of the fact that she has a boyfriend, goes over there with the little girl, and is not divorced. He could build a strong case against her. I have worked for divorced attorneys and am currently studying law. She needs to be careful. This isn't as easy as you're making it out to be at all. As much as I am all for any woman getting out of a miserable/unhappy situation, I also advice that they be responsible about things. This is not just about her happiness or his happiness or the baby's happiness.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments :) I see where you are both coming from. I guess my perspective comes from both my individual counselor and my marriage counselor suggesting that my husband and I take a 6-month separation before choosing to divorce. He didn't agree to it, and I knew it wouldn't help me love him again (plus I'm not even capable of looking for someone else until I'm absolutely done with the last relationship), so I chose to hand him his walkin' papers instead.
ReplyDeleteDivorce is a BIG step. It's impossible to undo, but I don't know what other way there could have been for Lia to truly KNOW that she needs out besides to test the waters. I believe that as the saying goes, 'If you love someone, let her go. If she's yours she'll come back.'
I didn't mean to imply that her divorce will be easy, none of them are. I only meant that she can't forever hope he'll change, that he'll be nice, and that she should cater to him, because none of those things will make it easier.
I would like to add my own experience to this in another post. So if you'd all be on board with that look for my post called: Getting UNDER Someone Else is Not Always the Solution to getting OVER someone else.....
ReplyDeleteWe are all limited to our views on things by our own experiences. Much love and peace to all!