My spirits are lifted from having pinpointed the problem. I have a strange way of quantifying and solving problems. Hence my desire to become a mechanical engineer. :) A light bulb came on for me last night, while lying awake in bed.
I became slightly depressed last Christmas, generated by a combination of quitting my neuropathy meds cold-turkey (which also sooth bipolar disorder, epilepsy, depression, and a number of other neurological disorders) and the lack of routine during winter break. I was only off my meds for about two weeks, and I felt ever so slightly better when school started again in January. However, it was the roughest, most time-consuming, largest workload I've ever had to deal with in school. On top of my school stress was my kid stress. It was damn near impossible to get to class at 8a.m. for my hardest class, what with getting all three of us ready in the morning, dropping my kids off at two different places, then finding parking at school.
Then came the problems with my ex. Both my kids have come back from their dad's house with strange injuries, none of which he has been able to explain, and my kids maintain they have no idea how these things happened. I dealt with the police and child abuse detectives, got my kids in counseling, and kept trying, trying, trying to solve the mysteries. I am still with no conclusion on anything, only the pediatrician's determination that these injuries could only have been caused by abuse of some sort.
I noticed starting in December that I have had a hard time reacting properly to life stressors. On several occasions someone close to me was hurt physically or in harm's way and I had no feeling or reaction. I have been stressed beyond belief for five months, but never once did I break down and cry. I have been frustrated to the point of anger, but couldn't seem to cry.
I have cried almost non-stop for the last seven days. I have reached my breaking point. I have no closure for my poor children, and no closure for my relationship. Generally speaking, once closure comes I easily move past life events. I remember the last six weeks of my marriage. I was in counseling and had decided to end my marriage. The last six weeks were hell, but my house sure was clean! My counselor said my compulsion to do homework and housework was my need for closure. Laundry and dishes get done, homework gets done. And once I broke the relationship off, my house went right back to 'untidy' as usual. (Although, I have to say that the majority of the messes in my house were caused by my ex husband, because once he left, my house somehow only took 1/4 of the time to clean). Ha.
But this time I don't even know where to start to find closure. How will I ever get closure for my children, besides filing for full custody and knowing that they don't have to be in their father's care anymore? I have spoken to an attorney, but I don't have the money to fight the case. I'm only hoping that my kids someday open up to someone, anyone, about what happened to them.
And how can I get closure for my relationship? We didn't have a good reason for separating. I have never felt like we were a lost cause, which is usually the realization that brings about the beginning of the end. I have asked for no more contact in an attempt to let things die, but I just don't see it happening, even if we don't speak for months. If he said that he didn't think we would ever be together again, it would be different. But part of him is still holding onto me, and that's the part of me that can't let go.
Any suggestions? What can I do to find closure? I'm tired of being a nut job. I have things that need done. My kids need me, and I desperately need my focus and my spunk back.
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