I'm Learning All Over Again How to Be Alone

I have learned that the most important characteristic one can possess, and the hardest learned life lesson is knowing the value of people. I'm sure this has been said before somewhere... sometimes it is easier to start over with something new than work on something that's broken. It sounds true for some areas of life, but I don't believe it's true for relationships.

I'm torn today. For once, I'm not spouting off profanities, I'm not snappy, I'm not my usual crude, cynical self. This morning I sent my certain someone down the trail. An 8-hour long trail, that is, to a town far, far away. I got tired of waiting for him to decide to stay, so I made him leave. I think that for men, it makes sense to start over with someone new, utilizing the lessons he learned from his last relationship, rather than use those lessons to fix the last relationship. The lesson that he and sooooooo many men need to learn is the value of people.

This certain someone loves me so much. He loves my kids and we seem to fit perfectly together. It feels right when we're together. However, the decision to stay in a town temporarily for another person is far too selfless, and the better choice appears to be driving several hundred miles away, to a town where he knows no one, and be alone, all the while kicking himself for not staying. Why do men self-sabotage in this way? Why do they willingly give up the best thing they've ever had (by their own admittance) and start over? Starting over is hard, in my opinion. First you have to break the habits from the last relationship, then you have to find out who you are and what you want (again), and then you start the awkward, paranoid-of-dating-another-Mr.-Wrong first date phase again.

He rotates back and forth almost instantly from 'I don't want to get married, what's the point?' to 'Let's get married at the lake' and then crying because he wants kids someday and he's pissing away all hope for that. He says he's afraid of getting married because he is attracted to lots of other women. So... he's scared that one day he'll cheat on me? The only thing that can solve that is for him to learn to value his significant other. We're all attracted to people besides our significant other, and we can look all we want, we just make the choice not to touch.  If he valued what he had, he would know for certain that what he has is worth far more than a 20-minute sexcapade with someone else, and he would be able to foil his own plan. If he valued people in general, he would know the worth of a relationship, he would not be willing to give it away.

This certain someone is a good man. He is loyal, thoughtful, hard-working, and most importantly, he has the nuts to make me feel like an equal. But he is still selfish on some level, and apparently that is the dog shit in the brownies.

This is day one. Today my body hurts. My legs and feet are numb, my throat has a painful bubble, and I'm out of it. I made it through pushing my certain someone out my front door with tears streaming down his face, I made it through my son's graduation, I worked on the garden that my certain someone started for me a few days ago, I washed the dishes that had been piling up for three days, I made the beds. I didn't cook much because I'm not hungry. I had several small break-downs throughout the day, but I didn't hurt while I was busy weeding and cleaning.

This is what breaking the habit feels like. First you hurt and are numb at the same time, you compulsively check your phone for his call or text, you wonder if you've done the right thing and if he's okay. I'm reminding myself why I did what I did. I pushed him out because we need to remember what it was like before 'us.' He needs to grow up and learn to make life decisions, and I need to escape the emotional turmoil of waiting for him to make his decision. I will sleep alone tonight, and I will take the time to break down. Tomorrow is another day, whether it feels better or worse. I haven't decided yet if I'm ready to be over it. I don't give up on anything until it's an absolute lost cause, and it is hard for me to want to look elsewhere when I came so close this time. But I can't keep waiting either. I need to practice being alone again. I need to clean house, go on a job hunt, spend some extra special time with my kids, and do things that I have been meaning to do. Staying busy is the key to breaking the habit.